Lake Wannaquonsett Summer Camp Hiring Now!

If you love children — even snot-nosed, bee-stung, homesick, whining, hyperactive children – apply now for this low-paying yet highly rewarding job.

Job Description:

Nurse’s Office Assistant. Must be available 24/7 while at camp to deal with whatever medical or emotional emergencies come up. Must sleep in a cabin without air conditioning. Must work in a cabin without air conditioning. Must be able to work well with others, specifically those who are as incompetent as you are. Must be able to walk to kitchen and fill up giant water jugs to bring back to the nurse’s cabin, wet-vac filthy raggedy floors and stairs, clean bathrooms, comfort sad/homesick children, apply antibacterial ointment and affix band aids, catch spewing vomit in buckets, wash bed sheets covered with bodily fluids (mostly pee but possibly blood and vomit as well). Must maintain poise and aplomb in the presence of wounds ranging from puss-filled pustules to broken limbs to bloody missing toenails. Must be able to entertain children who will wait for hours for the bumbling ill-paid and thus aggrieved Head Nurse to see them. Must be able to tolerate co-workers who spend the whole day either doing Facebook Farm Town or absconding to the back of the nurse’s cabin to smoke.

The Successful Candidate Will Have Experience Dealing With:

  • Controversies amongst nursing staff about whether to put Kool Aid in the cooler or just plain water.
  • Controversies about how cold the water should be in the cooler.
  • The brick in the kitchen which holds the door open – avoiding tripping over it, analyzing how and when the brick moved, who might’ve moved it, and whether it was moved intentionally to trip someone. Someone like the Head Nurse.
  • Controversies about whether to put kids’ meds in individual hand-labeled envelopes or whether to bring the whole meds locker to the dining hall to distribute meds.
  • Ongoing complaints about the food served in the dining hall.
  • Grunting and snorting noises as the nursing staff snarf down as much free food as possible.
  • An excruciatingly incessant commentary about the merits of the food served.
  • Getting takeaway containers so the Head Nurse and others can get even more food to bring back to the nurse’s cabin to snarf later.
  • Stories about various physical ailments amongst the staff, especially the overweight, flustered Head Nurse who is your boss.
  • In particular, stories about a sebaceous cyst between the Head Nurse’s breasts — what it feels like and how she manages it. This story to be told during dinner.
  • Stories about how the lack of air conditioning exacerbates the sebaceous cyst, making the cyst the fault of the lack of a/c and the Camp in general and not the fault of the seriously obese Head Nurse.
  • Complaints about the length of the work day being impossible, unacceptable — such complaints being grumbled around the table of free food or over the top of the computer of the staff member playing FaceBook Farm Town or from the staff member smoking a cigarette in back of the nurse’s cabin.
  • Co-workers who insist on writing lists ad infinitum by hand, refusing to use word processing or spreadsheet software. Said workers, who spend all their free time on FaceBook and other internet games, will carp ad nauseam about the amount of lists they have to write while refusing to embrace the technologies that aren’t even modern anymore to simplify the creations of said lists.
  • Dire prophecies about the counselor with chronic health issues causing problems by failing to take her meds regularly, thus putting the whole camp in jeopardy and if anything happens to her, like a seizure or death, it’s not the nursing department’s fault, no, it’s her fault.
  • Various administrative fuckups, resulting in ruminations about the possibility that someone stole the meds.
  • Speculations about who might have stolen the meds and what they might be doing with the meds.
  • Factions developing. Main faction, which consists of the Head Nurse and her chain-smoking lackey,  accusing you of stealing the medications or if you didn’t, then somehow you are nevertheless responsible for the missing medications even though you are not allowed to touch the medications or even give a kid an Advil  — only the Head Nurse can do that.
  • Discovery of the medications, which the Head Nurse had misfiled. Nevertheless, you are still in deep trouble for being suspected of having stolen the medications, or just having miscommunicated about where the medications might be even though you had no idea where the medications were.
  • Sideways glances at you, murmured conversations about you.
  • You might actually have to confront the Head Nurse and the other staff about the murmured accusations, perhaps you will threaten to quit. You will be successful, because they are not used to face-to-face confrontations.

Food / Board provided FREE with your very small salary. Must bring your own Aunt Jemima kerchief to sop up all the sweat you are sure to excrete while performing your duties. TC mark

image – Deutsche Fotothek

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  • Aelya

    Fucking hilarious. Best thing I've read here in terms of humour for a while

    • Kathrynahiggins

      Thank you Aelya!
      – Kathryn

  • http://twitter.com/MissKimball misskimball

    I think only pedos will apply for this

  • Kathbarbadoro

    You don't get sebaceous cysts from being fat

  • sloppysoup

    i was hired for a diabetes camp this summer. so pumped.

    • lgm

      clara barton?

      • sloppysoup

        i am her very reincarnation.

      • LGM

        i worked there,have fun

  • http://twitter.com/spencercniemetz Spencer Niemetz

    While reading about the Head Nurse, I envisioned Pam Ferris as a nurse version of Ms. Trunchbull from Matilda.

  • Ameltoid

    HA! I worked at a summer camp for a couple of years, and this is spot on.

  • eferf23
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