BRIDGEPORT, CT–“I thought he was really hot at first,” said Sally Smith (real name withheld), about her new boyfriend. “But now I’m not so sure.” Sitting in the waiting room of her doctor’s office, Smith carefully unbuttoned the top of her shirt to display red, raw looking skin. She is suffering from the same painful skin condition that is afflicting girlfriends and wives of “hot” guys nationwide.
“I’m seeing this condition more and more often. It’s like an epidemic,” said Dr. Jonathan Silverman, a general practitioner with a self-proclaimed expertise in practical dermatology. “It’s a sort of abrasion, like a rug burn, that can extend from the breasts to the lower abdomen – sometimes even to the upper thighs,” he explained.
According to Silverman, the condition is due to the new trend among men, especially those who consider themselves “hot,” of shaving their bodies. “The razor stubble all over these men irritates the skin of their partners during sexual intercourse,” he explained clinically.
“When the intercourse goes on for any length of time, or is executed with any amount of vigor, we see skin abrasions ranging from mildly irritated to extremely raw.”
“Until we come up with a uniquely unique Latin name for it, we’re calling it Narcissistic Lover Skin Syndrome, or NLSS,” he added.
“Men who care about their appearance are shaving their chests, their stomachs, and their balls,” said Mimi O., a beautician in Bridgeport, CT, who has experienced NLSS more than once or twice. “They look hot, if you’re into that pre-pubescent boy kind of thing. But if you’ve ever made out with a guy who had razor stubble on his face – well, you can just imagine having sex with someone with razor stubble all over
his body.” She grimaced in remembrance.
The skin condition does not discriminate: faithful wives experience this sexually transmitted condition just as often as sluts do, because even married men have embraced the trend of body-shaving.
“It’s so annoying,” said Pam Dobbins, indicating her husband John who was busy barbecuing for their three kids. Holding a platter of hotdogs, John’s arm was flexed in an impressive bicep. “To you he may look hot. But I think he’s just an ass. He’s always flexing his muscles and posing in the mirror when he thinks I’m not looking. It makes me want to barf.”
Mrs. Dobbins had an array of creams and salves in her cupboard to deal with her ongoing skin condition. “He always wants to have sex,” she said, making a gagging gesture with her finger.
The trend of body-shaving for men has grown exponentially in recent years, along with singing in falsetto like Justin Timberlake and wearing baseball caps backwards. Chip Mowen was recently initiated to the club when he shaved his body for the first time, under the guidance of his friend Joe “The Jock” Harrigan.
“It’s best to shave in the steam room,” said Harrigan, standing under a “No Shaving in the Steam Room” sign at the local health club. “The heat and steam help to open the pores, so you can get a closer shave.” He and some other jocks observed while Mowen mowed a razor through his curly blonde chest hair, and then proceeded down to his belly-button area. “I think I need a new razor,” said Mowen, who was quickly supplied with one by a member of the group.
After Mowen finished his abdomen, Harrigan instructed him to “keep going.” Mowen hunched over and pulled his scrotum from side to side as he shaved his crotch and balls.
“Wow, my dick looks bigger,” Mowen exclaimed when he finished. He got high fives from his friends, and then, disregarding the “No Peeing in the Steam Room” sign over his head, he pissed into the large clump of hair in the drain before showering and hooking up with his girlfriend, who would be visiting her doctor within a week.