1) Only read content in list form.
Refuse to delve into articles, essays, poems, etc. unless they are in list format. If it can’t be broken down into ten points then you don’t have time for it. There are lists out there about the top reasons that bacon is the best that are waiting for you- this in-depth report on the problem of cyber-bullying is just too long, son.
2) Remember only the first thing on the list.
This point right here? You’ll probably forget it. It’s not important, that’s why it’s here. It’s just fluff.
3) Find one bullet point you disagree with, so you can dismiss the entire list.
“Oh, I was on board with this list about why Beyonce is the bomb until they brought up the Superbowl. That sucked and this list sucks. The author does NOT know what they are talking about.”
4) Take personal offense to the list.
Like a list could accurately tell you what your favourite boy band says about you. It doesn’t even KNOW you. Was this even a scientific study? Where are the footnotes?
5) Get impatient and read only the headings
All the useful information is in there anyway. This unbolded type is just filler, trust me. Boop de boop, boop boop. (See point 2.)
6) Be incredibly moved by one point on the list.
You started out skeptical but wow, point #13 really hit home. It absolutely applies to you, so thank you, point #13, because you’d completely forgotten about that sign that you’re dating a complete asshole or that poignant Mean Girls quote.
7) Bookmark the list because it essentially changed you as a person and inspired you to make a whole bunch of life improvements and you want to remember its profound effect on you.
Then don’t look at it again until six months later when you’re cleaning up your bookmarks and feel guilty that you are not eating a single one of those superfoods.
8) Complain that everything is in list format.
Bemoan the loss of dense, thought-provoking writing. Skim through some dense, thought-provoking writing and leave a comment that says “THANK YOU for real writing, finally” so that people know that you don’t just skim lists.