How I Fell In Love With Him Without Me Knowing

image-  Flickr / Marcy Kellar
image – Flickr / Marcy Kellar

How I pictured myself falling in love: Posting photos on Instagram of him and I having dinner, going out; Updating everyone on Twitter about our whereabouts and what he got me for Valentine’s; Cuddling, kissing, and whatever happens in those books everyone desires to have.

That is not entirely true.

I don’t know how to explain it, but I’m in love. I don’t have any indications or any proof of why I am and how have I been in this emotional roller coaster ride, but I guess it was just how it is. I didn’t even know I was falling for him until the day I thought I’d lose him.

Here’s the story.

We met in college. It was the typical boy-best-friend feeling whenever I talked to him and I open myself up just a little bit to show off my ‘good side.’ He did the same, and from then on, we became inseparable. It was likely for us to spend every school day together (with our group of friends) because we have the same classes. We always walked together and sat beside each other whenever we were out eating before our classes start again. This was when I thought of the possibility of him being someone I’d be with. No thoughts of those cuddling scenes in the movies, but there was this gut feeling in me that I’d be happy with him.

A few weeks went by and he told me that he had feelings for me. By then, I also felt something in me. I felt like I needed to talk to him all the time, but not at every waking minute because I didn’t want to seem too clingy. I wanted him to notice me ALL THE TIME, but I never gave him signals to (well, I think I didn’t.) I wanted him to always be happy when he talks to me, or when he’s with me. I wanted a lot of things to happen between us but unfortunately, I ruined this for quite some time.

The second term came and I got scared. I got scared of committing to our relationship and publicity. It was nothing like embarrassment, not at all. I just didn’t want to look like I fell for someone too fast in college. The relationship would look cheap and unsupported. These four months were hell for him and for me. I started to show off my ‘bad side’ to him. I didn’t treat him as a priority, I was mean to him, I made him wait at night because I was ‘busy,’ I made him doubt himself and doubt this relationship. I was evil and horrible, yet I knew what I was doing. I think this was just my way of testing the waters, seeing if this will become something great, something wonderful. I risked losing him just for my own self-interest. Then again, when you’re scared, you do what it takes to go back to the familiar. I drowned myself with org work. I worked my ass off and limited my time with him. I knew it hurt him and I knew it was cruel, but I did it anyway to save myself.

Save myself from what exactly? I don’t know. I just did what I thought was right (for me).

It was December already, eight months since the start of college and I came to realize how much I really, really liked him. I denied it for four months and I just couldn’t do that anymore. I started to give him my attention again, my interest in him and made him one of my priorities again. I gave him what he wanted four months ago. Everything was magical. Every morning and every night, he’s on my mind. Knowing that I’ll talk to him the next day or see him when we go to school was just so exciting my heart couldn’t take it. I didn’t know if this was love or what, but I just went with it because it made me happy.

January came and we were back to our school for the third term. Everything was great over the Christmas break until one night when I was in school for a meeting and he was home, he called me up because he wanted ‘to talk.’ “We need to talk” is the scariest phrase anyone could ever tell me. We talked and he told me that he couldn’t keep living like this. That he got hurt. He got hurt and mad that past term when I was a bitch to him. He couldn’t keep being hurt and he can’t be the only one who sacrifices in this relationship.

From that moment, I knew in my heart that I love him. I was in love with him but my selfishness and my need to be happy came in the way. I realized that everything I wanted from this relationship at first was just for ME to be happy and I was so misguided by my ignorance and greed. He cried and I cried, and we just kept talking. All I thought throughout the phone call was that I couldn’t lose him and I couldn’t bear the thought that I lost my chance of being in love with such an amazing person. We eventually came to a decision that we’ll be okay, we’ll work it out and I told him that I’d give effort and sacrifice more. I’ll love him like how he loves me.

Several months have passed and it’s April, the end of the third term. Third term was magical, just like the first, but now with more certainty and selflessness. I wanted him to talk to me when he feels sad, mad, and happy; I wanted to be there for him on all of his moments. I noticed everything about him and I compliment him all the time (not for the sake of complimenting, but because I want him to know how special he is to me and what a wonderful person he is.) I want him to be happy. Period. Not for me to be happy because if he’s happy, then I’m happy. Not just when he talks to me or when he’s with me, but to be happy with himself—to love himself as much as I love him.

fell in love with him without me knowing because my own interests and selfishness shielded my heart from how I really felt. Because of him, I learned to be selfless, to be kinder, to be courageous, to learn how to accept love and to love myself.

It’s been a year since I met him. It’s been ten months since I’ve liked him and it took me five months to realize that I fell in love with him. How I fell in love with him had nothing to do with how I wanted to fall in love. I don’t post anything online of him and I; I like to keep it real. I don’t need any proof or confirmation that I am in love because I know that I love him and that’s enough for me.

Every person falls in love differently. You shouldn’t look for that happily every after books give you because, well, they’re books and they’re someone else’s story. Make your own. Fall in love in your own way.

I surely did. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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