I miss you at 4AM when I open my eyes and prepare my coffee fix, sit myself on the couch and wait for your face to appear on my phone at exactly 5AM to greet me good morning; and I thought to myself, I could get used to this.
I miss you when I hop in my car and strap in my seatbelt, remembering your would always nag me to buckle up whenever I rode home with you; and I thought to myself, he’s such a weirdo.
I miss you when I reach school remembering that I would always let you know if I arrived safely and you would remind me to enjoy the day with an ‘I love you’ at the end; and I thought to myself, the day would be more bearable if I saw you and by the way, I love you too.
I miss you during free period, when all the class ever does is either eat or gossip, I remember spending an hour or two texting you making sure you were doing okay in school too; and I thought to myself, I don’t want you to leave, will you hold my hand?
I miss you in between graded recitations, class presentations, quizzes and finals, remembering that I would call you once they ended and tell you my soul was sent to hell because of how hard it was and the terror professors that accompany it, but you would laugh at the other end and tell me I did a great job; and I thought to myself, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
I miss you on the way back home, the way the traffic was an advantage because it meant I could spend the whole time telling you about my day and you would tell me about how you’re still at school; and I thought to myself, so this is what love feels like.
I miss you right before I close my eyes and fall asleep, remembering you would call me to say goodnight and end it with an ‘I love you’ no matter how tired we both are from school; and I thought to myself, what would I do to be in your arms every night and look into your eyes until the sun comes up.
But why do you always think that love is constant? Like a straight line that never bends. Love isn’t constant and it isn’t always going to be easy or happy. I hope you know that I won’t always be the ideal girl that you imagined I was. I have flaws, insecurities, scares and bad habits as much as the next person does but you couldn’t see past that could you? Once you saw how human I am, how much I turn cold and angry and feel emotions such as sadness and disappointment you decided that maybe I wasn’t the one for you after all. But have you ever thought that I saw how human you were?
That you weren’t my ideal guy but damn did the universe knew how much I fell in love with you more once I saw your flaws.
Now you’re gone, took the easiest way out of my life and dropped my heart, forgetting it was made of glass. How dare you, how dare you say that you’re not going to get tired of me, how dare you say we’re going to make it, how dare you say all those promises we made on the phone at 2AM in our pajamas and how dare you say you will never leave me and have fallen in love with me every single day as you slipped the ring on my finger because the last time I saw you, your face looked so happy, happy that you were finally going to break my heart, like 3 years of being in each other’s lives never happened, like I was close to being a piece of gum stuck at the bottom of your shoe.
Only if you knew, that I always think of you even if I don’t know if I even cross your mind. Whenever something good happens, the first person I would want to tell is you, when I’m tired at the end of the day all I wanted to do was to hear your voice and tell me I did a good job today when it gets cold all I wanted was your warmth. I found myself praying to God at 2AM and 4AM and pray to Him and tell Him all about you; how you have this dream of being a pilot, owning a dog, how you love math formulas and Star Wars and how your favorite super heroes are Spiderman and Captain America but most of all I pray that He keeps you safe, guided and loved at all times and maybe ask Him to make me appear in your dreams once in a while. I pray that when fate and destiny decides, we’ll meet again when we’re our better selves, and truth be told I don’t know who we’ll be or what we’ll be but that’s the beauty of the future; it’s not as messed up as the past or present, but it’s all potential…unpredictable.
But I’d like you to know, that some way or somehow you will read or see this, I want you to know that I have written these lines on the same table we used to sit at when we were together and all these words are made up of the thousand hours I have lived without your love, and a thousand hours more; every second of every day, that is how many times I wanted to run to you.