I Wish I Had Never Loved At All

woman looking away from camera
Tanja Heffner

Itโ€™s getting easier to pretend that Iโ€™m okay. But Iโ€™m not.

Most days I am able to tamp it down.
But every so often, it bubbles up, sharp and metallic in my throat.
The littlest things can remind me; a song, a word, a peach.
I donโ€™t cry as much anymore.
But the remembering makes pangs in my chest and cotton in my ears.
I have always had a very physical reaction to all things you.

You left a crater in my world and now I pick through the rubble.
I watch movies and read my horoscope every day. I still read yours too.
I kiss other boys. I touch and I am touched but I never feel.
I paste a smile on my face and tick the days off the calendar, one at a time.

I have never wanted anything more than I wanted you.
The way I felt spanned lifetimes and continents.
I once intercepted your thoughts.
Your eyes were like magnets on mine. Your gaze made me helpless.
The depth of my feelings terrified me to my core.

I have an aversion to affection now.
You did this to me.

Itโ€™s not your fault, you did your best. You are as kind as I am cruel.

You never lied to me or lead me to believe otherwise.
And even in this small way you treated me better than I deserve.

I know in my bones that this was the real thing.
You were it for me.
Game, set, match.
They say itโ€™s better to have it and lose it, than to never have it at all.
I disagree.

Now, alone, I pick the thorns out of my heart.
My fingers shaking and bloody.
The holes remain.
Iโ€™m leaking from my chest and my eyes now.

I used to wish we could never stop talking.
As long as we kept talking, I was okay.
And now the conversation has ended.
I had so much left to say. TC mark

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