Medical stethoscope and mask composed with red foiled chocolate hearts

65+ Best Doctor Jokes to Tell Your Physician

After a long, stressful day of practicing medicine, there’s nothing like a good joke to tickle your funny bone. Use this list of doctor jokes to find humorous puns, stories, and one-liners to share with your loved ones in the medical field. Quote a one-liner and take a crack at comedy while at the doctor’s office to lighten your physician’s mood. Better yet, send a funny doctor pun to a co-worker or friend that works in medicine. However these doctor jokes are used, they’re sure to elicit a smile.

doctor holding red stethoscope

Hilarious Doctor Jokes

Forget-Me-Not

Doctor: “You have high blood pressure and amnesia.”

Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have high blood pressure!”

The Surgery Prodigy

Patient: “Hey Doc, is there any chance I’ll be able to play the violin after the operation?”

Doctor: “After some healing, yes, of course!”

Patient: “Great! How exciting. I never could before!”

Fruit Salad, Yummy, Yummy

One day, a woman walks into a doctor’s office with a cucumber in her nose, a carrot in her left ear, and a banana in her right ear.

“What’s wrong with me?” she asks the doctor.

“You’re not eating properly,” he replies.

The Flirty Doctor

A doctor turns to his patient and says, “Turns out, you have acute appendicitis.”

The patient blushed and replied, “Compared to who?”

The Bladder of a Peanut

How does the receptionist at a urology department answer the phone?

“Urology office— can you hold?”

New Dad Syndrome

A man frantically calls the doctor and says, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor responds.

The man replies, “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”

You’re Number 1

What is awarded to Dentist of the Year?

A little plaque.

Another Day, Another Dollar

Doctor: “I had a young boy in here yesterday that swallowed 10 quarters. Any news on how he’s doing?”

Nurse: “So far, still no change.”

Tick Tock Goes the Clock

Doctor: “Mr. Jones, you may want to sit down. I have some bad news and some very bad news… which would you like to hear first?”

Mr. Jones: “Oh jeez, I guess I’ll take the bad news first.”

Doctor: “The bad news” doctor notes, “is that I got your test results and you have 24 hours to live.”

Mr. Jones: “What?!” the man goes, “How could there possibly be worse news than that?!”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

Long Shot

Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away?

Only if you aim it well enough!

Hindsight is 20/20

Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?

I heard he really made a spectacle out of himself.

Feeling Shaky

Patient: “Please help me! I can’t stop my hands from shaking.”

Doctor: “Do you drink often?”

Patient: “Not really, I end up spilling most of it.”

Aches and Pains

A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain all over her body.

“I hurt all over,” she said.

“What do you mean all over?” the doctor asked, “Can you be a little more specific?”

The woman proceeded to touch her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then her nose and yelled again, “Ouch! That also hurts.” Then she touched her left earlobe and yelled again, “Even that hurts doc.”

After examining her, the doctor came to a conclusion… the woman had a broken finger.

Needing Reassurance

Patient: “Hey doc, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia? Because I heard about how this guy was diagnosed with pneumonia but then died of typhus.”

Doctor: “No worries here, that won’t happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia, he will die of pneumonia.”

A Game of Telephone

A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up.

His boss asks him, “Jeez, what happened to your ears?”

“Well, yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron.”

“Well that explains one ear,” the boss replied, “but what about the other one?”

“I had to call the doctor!”

He Has the Cure

One day, a man stumbled into his doctor’s office with a terrible cold. The doctor prescribed him some pills, but they didn’t help. When the man came back, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t help either.

Finally, when the man returned again, the doctor told him, “Go home, take a hot bath, and when you get out, open all the windows and stand in the draft.”

“But if I do that, I’ll risk getting pneumonia doc,” replied the man.

“I know,” said the doctor, “but I can cure pneumonia!”

Full Circle

A Short History of Medicine:

“Doctor I have a headache.”

2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is a demon, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is a superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

A Realistic Game of “Doctor”

A seven-year-old girl came home and told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”

“Oh no, honey. What happened?”

“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

man in white button up shirt holding black tablet computer

Hospital Improvement

One day, a man walked into a doctor’s office and told the receptionist he had shingles. She took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later, a nurse’s aid came out, called his name, and asked him what he has while leading him to the examination room. He responded by saying, “Shingles,” and she told him to wait in the exam room.

Ten minutes later, a nurse came in and asked what he has. “Shingles,” he responded. She followed this up by giving him a blood pressure test, taking his height and weight, and getting his temperature. Before exiting the room, she told him to take off all of his clothes put on a robe, and wait for the doctor.

Twenty minutes later, the doctor entered and asked him what he has.

“Shingles,” the man replied.

“Where?” asked the doctor.

“Outside in the truck,” the man responded, “Where do you want them?”

Patient Check-In

A woman calling Massachusetts General Hospital says, “Hello, I want to know if there’s any sign that a patient is improving at all.”

The receptionist asks, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”

“Of course,” the woman replied, “Sarah Finkel, Room 304.”

The receptionist responds by saying, “Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, if her blood pressure continues to improve like it is then Dr. Cohen is looking to send her home on Tuesday!”

“That’s fantastic,” the woman replied, “oh, I’m so thrilled!”

“From your enthusiasm, I figure you must be a close family member?”

The woman replied, “I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Dr. Cohen doesn’t tell me a word.”

Caffeinated

A patient went to her optometrist and said, “Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain in my eye. Any idea what it could be?”

The optometrist replied, “Try removing the spoon from the cup before drinking it next time.”

Tunnel Vision

A man having trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor. When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks what’s wrong.

“I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes,” the man complains.

“Have you ever seen a doctor?” she asks.

“No, just spots ma’am.”

Truth Hurts

Doctor: You are very ill.

Patient: Is it okay if I get a second opinion?

Doctor: Of course! You are very ugly too.

Straight and Narrow

Did you hear about the patient that lost his whole left side?

No worries, I hear he’s all right now!

Grammar School

What do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school?

Hopefully not your doctor.

Sleeping Beauty

Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk carefully by the pill cabinet?

So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.

Veterinarian’s Sick Leave

One day, a veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. Once the doctor entered the exam room, he started asking all the usual questions about symptoms, how long they’ve persisted, etc. before the vet. interrupted him by saying, “Look, I’m a vet. I don’t have to ask my patients these kinds of questions. I can tell what’s wrong just by looking at them— why can’t you?”

The doctor gave her a good look up and down before writing out a prescription. After he handed it to her, he said, The doctor gave her a good look up and down before writing out a prescription. After he handed it to her, he said, “I figured it out, so good news patient, well here’s your prescription. Of course, if that doesn’t work then we’ll just have to put you down.”

Pianists Dilemma

“Are you an organ donor?”
“No, but one time I donated an old piano to the Salvation Army!”

Doctor’s Orders

Woman on the Phone: My husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what should I do now?

Doctor: “Give him a headache!” says the doctor.

Chicken Scratch

Patient: Someone vandalized my house last night!

Doctor: Okay, but why are you telling me about this?

Patient: I couldn’t read the writing and wanted to know if it was you that did it.

Doctor Pointing X-ray Result Beside Man Wearing Black Suit

A Brand New Coin Purse

What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money?

“Are you seeing any change in me?”

What’s the Difference?

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?

One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what they treat.

Research Gone Wrong

What is a double-blind study?

Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.

New Year, New Me

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was sent to the hospital one day. While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God.

“Is my time up?” she asked him.

“No,” God answered, “you still have 40 years, 5 months, and 3 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman felt sublime and decided that if she had so much time left to live, she might as well make the most of it. Therefore, she had a facelift, a tummy tuck, and died her hair before exiting the hospital.

After her tummy tuck was over, she was released from the hospital. However, while crossing the street on the way out, she was hit by a car and immediately died.

When arriving in front of God, the woman asked, “I thought you said I had another 40 years?! Why didn’t you save me?”

“I didn’t recognize you, ” God replied.

Doctor’s Doodles

Why did the doctor take a red pen to work?

In case she wanted to draw blood!

Give Me a Hand

One day, a man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room to get help.

“Give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do!” the doctor said.

“But I don’t have the fingers doc!”

“What? Why wouldn’t you bring your fingers?” asks the doctor.

“I couldn’t pick them up!”

Funny One-Liner Doctor Jokes

General One-Liners

  • They tried to save him with an IV but it was all in vein.

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

  • Whoops!
  • Better save that, we’re going to need it for the autopsy.
  • That party last night was wild! I can’t believe how drunk I got.
  • Alright, now, snap a shot from this angle. This person is truly a freak of nature!
  • Wait, so if this is his kidney, then what is that?
  • Alright now, pass me that uh, that uh, thing…”
  • If I could only remember how they handled this situation on ER last week!
  • Does anyone know if someone has survived from 400 mL of this stuff before?
  • Ugh, there goes the lights! Going in blind I guess.
  • I heard that kidneys go for big money on the black market and this guy has both of his!
  • Can you stop that thing from beating? It’s throwing off my concentration here.
  • Ugh, I just realized I left my glasses at home.
  • Well, guys, this will be an experiment for each of us.
  • Steril, schmeril. It’s been rinsed right?
  • No worries, I think it’s sharp enough or, I guess well find out!
  • I’m not sure what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice!
  • I don’t know what went wrong, but we need to fix it, fast!
  • Let’s hurry because I do not want to miss the Real Housewives!
  • This laughing gas stuff is wild, can you pass me some more?
  • Hey Jim, mind unzipping the bag on that guy? It seems like he’s still a live patient.
  • Fire! Fire! Everyone out!

You Might Be an E.R. Doctor if…

  • …your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
  • …discussing surgical procedures during dinner seems normal to you.
  • …you think coffee should be made available in IV form.
  • …you have to remind yourself to slow down when you’re eating, even when you’re at a nice restaurant.
  • …you think “great veins” even when you’re walking down the street, looking at strangers.
  • …you’re superstitious about someone saying, “Jeez, things have slowed down a lot.”
  • …you’ve had a patient look you in the eye and tell you, “I have no idea how it got stuck in there but please help me get it out.”

How Many Doctors Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

  • That depends on whether or not the bulb has health insurance.
  • None. They just prescribe it Vicodin and tell it to call for a refill if necessary.
  • Only one, but the nurse has to tell the doctor which end to screw in first.
  • Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill the procedure.
About the author
Katee’s passion for writing and fascination for language has forever guided her path in life. Follow Katee on Instagram or read more articles from Katee on Thought Catalog.

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