1. Walk next to me.
I know that we all fall into this nasty category of shoulder-checking, speed-walking people when traveling alone. We want to set our own pace, and stick to it. However, exceptions should be made when we are with our significant other, our date, our pseudo-date — whatever, you get it. Charging ahead like Mamma June at an all-you-can-eat buffet is not going to win you any favors with the opposite sex.
I once saw a guy at Union Station turn vehemently to his girlfriend and state, “You speed up, I don’t slow down.” He then proceeded to huffily zoom ahead of her, clutching his Louis Vuitton duffel and Men’s Health Magazine. I mean, what? Needless to say, she responded with a flat “Fuck you,” and did not follow him. Essentially, all douchebaggery aside, walk next to me. Not in front of me, certainly not behind me (because you’re staring at your cell phone). Next to me. The brownie points that await you are endless.
2. Don’t insult my taste in TV.
I know that I have an embarrassingly teenage Netflix queue, but it is my queue, and I shall watch what I want, dammit. We all work hard, so we all should be given the overwhelmingly simple privilege of rewarding said hard work with the TV show of our choice. Even if that TV show is really an Olivia Benson, Olivia Pope, all kinds of Olivia marathon that makes you wanna vomit. I don’t care. Vomit elsewhere, and don’t make a crack about any of my TV shows or any of my Olivias. Please and thank you.
3. Make friends with my pets.
Look, I have a Persian cat. His name is Walter. He’s sort of an asshole. That being said, I could never be with someone who didn’t try to win Walter’s side-eyed approval. If you really like someone, you damn well better try to like his or her pet(s), because if you don’t, the relationship could be doomed. I don’t care if you have to make friends with a demented and judgmental Goldfish named Alfredo Heinz — just do it. You will inevitably get laid, and cement yourself as the only significant other who can tolerate this weird, weird pet. We, the weird, weird pet-owners, will swoon for you!
Flossing is sexy. And allegedly prevents heart disease. Flossing says, “I care about my mouth, which means I care about you, because if I’m not a dick, you’ll be kissing it.” Consequently, if I find some Oral-B Glide Floss in your medicine cabinet, yous a keeper, yes yous are.
5. Don’t send flowers just to do it.
Flowers are a wonderful gesture that you can make towards your significant other. Absolutely, no doubt about it. Flowers are golden. They’re gravy, they’re gadzooks awesome. However, there have been too many times when I’ve seen people use sending flowers as a substitute for communication. For example, don’t send flowers until after you’ve officially apologized or reached some sort of mutual apology after a fight. Flowers aren’t meant to be a band-aid. They’re meant to be a kind of, “We genuinely made up, and now I want to shower you with tulips, because I still feel kind of guilty.” Similarly, don’t send flowers and expect to be considered the most thoughtful ever. Just because you give a person daisies, doesn’t mean that person has to automatically like you. You actually have to be likable.
6. Don’t expect me to be a lady all the time.
Or y’know, a gentleman. It swings both ways. Basically, we all fart. We all piss. We all take number twos. Yeah, I know. Gross, not sexy, I get it — but it’s just part of being a human. That’s right. If you want someone to think you’re a catch, you better be able to handle your partner passing gas in front of you. Yeah, I said it. Realistically, your inability to control your bodily functions will only worsen as you age — I mean, we all start our life wetting the bed, and we all end it that way — so! Don’t you want to be with someone who will eventually change your diaper and vice versa?
7. Be a dork.
The more you let your dork, your freak flag, your bad jokes fly — the more endearing and utterly impossible to discard you will become. I think we all know by now that the people who play too cool for school never get the guy or the girl. They are also never offered the last cookie, because people just don’t like them as much. Essentially, what makes you the biggest modern day heartthrob is you being YOU. Provided you don’t totally suck. And if that’s the case, I’m sorry for leading you astray. There are some self-help books I can recommend.