1. People who walk slowly.
Chances are, if you are walking slowly in Manhattan, you are a tourist. As endearing as it is that you find New York City so jaw-dropping, we who live here do not want to be stuck walking behind you. In fact, that’s our worst nightmare. We have people to see and places to be, so we ask that you kindly step aside (as opposed to stopping every 5 seconds in the middle of the sidewalk), and let us pass while you stare mouth-agape at the Naked Cowboy.
2. People who ask too many questions.
It’s not that we don’t have compassion for your willingness to be thorough (or your lack of common sense) — we just don’t have time for it. For example, it’s difficult for us to comprehend someone who has a million questions about a casserole dish. If it makes casseroles, buy it. If you hate it, return it. Don’t make us wait behind you on a long Williams-Sonoma line because you’re trying to finagle a private tutorial on the difference between broiling and baking.
3. People who don’t drink coffee.
YOU ARE ALIEN TO US. Really, how do you get through your 18-hour day? We salute you, but you’ll still find us at Starbucks slowly developing ulcers.
4. People who pay less than $700 a month on rent.
Granted you are probably not living in New York City, but still, we do not know how to converse with you without feeling extremely jealous of your reasonably priced rent. You have a walk-in closet, central air and — oh shit — a dishwasher. And you pay how much? Yeah, we love you, but don’t talk to us. Don’t suggest moving out of New York City either.
5. People who don’t have email.
Yes, some people still don’t have email. And granted, most of them are ancient, but what? In New York City particularly, it is almost impossible to function without email. In most cases, people today would choose emailing over making a phone call. We’re not saying that’s a good thing for the state of humanity, but email is becoming a professional and personal necessity. Essentially, your “New York Hustle” would suffer significantly if you did not have it.
6. People who are homophobic.
This is a kind of person we don’t get, and we don’t ever want to get. We are fortunate enough to live in a beautiful melting pot where being gay is 1000% beyond normal and wonderful. To pretty much all New Yorkers, homophobia is repulsive.
7. People who love their neighbors.
If you love your neighbors, kudos! As New Yorkers, we might not actively dislike our neighbors, but we also probably don’t know them either. New York is full of colorful characters, and you will probably live next door to a few of them while living in the city. This can result in some uncomfortable social situations. For example, I lived across the hall from a hoarder and made the mistake of becoming casually friendly with him — just a “hello” from time to time, but all of a sudden he thought we were close pals and would constantly invite me over to watch his “night flower bloom.” Cue the awkward turtles.
8. People who think Times Square is beautiful.
Does Times Square have incredible history and theatrical magic? Of course. Is it aesthetically pleasing, or a fun place to just hang out? Hell no — says pretty much every New Yorker, ever.
9. People who think small dogs aren’t “real dogs.”
Look, we love big dogs. Most of us, however, do not have enough square footage to create a suitable living space for one. So 10-t-12-pound Baby-Boo-Pups are pretty much what we’re working with, and we are not ashamed. Our Pomeranians feel like Great Danes when you take a junior one into consideration, so don’t make fun of our little dogs. They’re pretty much our only way to procure dog ownership while in this city.
10. People who hate New York.
There are two kinds of people: those who love NYC, and those who hate it. Since we love it, we cannot even remotely understand how you could possibly detest such a divinely unique, crazy, spectacular place. We will never see eye-to-eye with those of you who avoid our city like the plague, but we will absolutely still be jealous of your rent.