The Fuckboy Guide To Enlightenment (In 5 Easy Steps)

The Office

1. Practice Non-Attachment.

Everything is temporary, therefore nothing is binding. You can easily remind Katrina of this by ghosting her. If she pushes back on your work to unburden the soul, tell her, “you can’t want something that you can’t have, and you can’t have people because they are free.” She will flip your Old Fashioned onto your lap at this, but remember, you weren’t attached to those khakis either.

2. Practice No Expectations.

You don’t know where this is going because no one does. It’s a journey, not a destination. Tell Tracy it’s like a road trip. No expectations means no one can expect a relationship. Or a third dinner date. Enjoy the view, kid, it can all end tomorrow. Just because it’s been four years, she isn’t seeing anyone else, and you won her that fuzzy, anatomically-correct squid at the fair, it’s just not realistic, Tracy, it’s just not.

3. Practice Being Present.

Look her in the eyes. Give her all of your attention. Turn your phone face-down. Put it on silent. Throw it in the decorative aquarium at Pho Sho. Get too embarrassed to go back. Find a new restaurant to take your next date. Do this with every girl. Start a bank account just for new phones. You’re all there, you know?

4. Practice Manifestation.

The energy you put out is what you get back. Who do you want to bring into your universe? If your vibe attracts your tribe, you need to aim for a whole band of fine-ass Megans, not that slob Rachel who won’t take a hint. What is Rachel’s problem, anyway? You met at a young professional magicians event, what did she expect? (See: Step #2.) You are manifesting your best life here, so POUND SAND, RACHEL.

5. Follow your bliss.

Quit that nine-to-five soul suck. Travel to Zanzibar. Eat mint-chocolate-prawn gelato. Spit it out instantly. Spend time with your loved ones, and that toy poodle at the park with the crossed eye. Life is too short not to say, “I miss u [winky face],” or, “Hey stranger,” or, “U up?” Send that text. Especially at 2 AM. Time is a construct of human engineering, and you, my friend, are limitless. TC mark

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