10 Foods Your Mythological Gluten Allergy Is Causing You To Miss Out On

At this point, we’re all becoming aware that “non-celiac gluten sensitivity” pretty much doesn’t exist.This realization — or as I like to call it, “Yes, you’re supposed to have a stomach ache after eating an entire cake” — has ruffled the self-diagnosing feathers of gluten condemners everywhere. If you’re one of these, I’m here to help you acclimate back into society. While you’ll no longer be able to ruin dinner parties by snubbing the menu or request a special order at a work luncheon, here are 10 devilishly delicious foods you’ll be able to reintroduce into your diet (in moderation) now that you’ve abandoned your mythological gluten allergy.
Shutterstock
Shutterstock

1. Baguette(s)

Notice how I strategically left this open to pluralization — that is because you can never, ever have too many baguettes. Slice one up or dive in mouth first, if you’re really feeling European. I’ll gladly forgo the Parisian tendencies toward body odor and chain smoking, but damn, do they know how to eat.

2. Donuts

image - Flickr / Robyn Lee
image – Flickr / Robyn Lee

Cops and poorly funded meetings give old-fashioned donuts a bad rap, but I’m here to set the record straight. While artisan donuts, Cronuts, and Fonuts are currently taking center stage, there’s nothing better than a classic, strawberry frosted Dunkin donut alongside a cup o’ joe.

3. Mac ‘n’ Cheese

At this point in my manifesto you’re obviously aware that I have not yet outgrown a good junk food indulgence. There are, however, a few places I will not go — and Kraft, blue box mac ‘n’ cheese is one of those places. Thankfully, the gluten gods have blessed us with a multitude of ways to cure our mac ‘n’ cheese cravings without hitting rock-packet-of-cheese-dust-bottom. Put on your fancy pants and enjoy a tasty white cheddar and Gruyere mac, lobster mac, or even brussel sprouts mac — which I hear is a real thing.

4. Beer

Let’s face it — you’re drinking it anyway, aren’t you? A few drinks in, happy hour ends, and all you can afford is an Amstel Light — LOL, WHAT GLUTEN ALLERGY?

5. Pancakes

Pancakes are most commonly served as a breakfast item, but I personally prefer them post-midnight and loaded down with blueberries and semi-sweet chocolate chips. They are fluffy little bits of proof that if you try hard enough, you can make anything a dessert. Plus, there is an international house of them — and while it may seem snub worthy in the daylight, it’s a neon-lit oasis under the cover of darkness.

6. Pizza

image - Flickr / British Mum
image – Flickr / British Mum

Again, you’re probably already eating this, because there’s no such thing as a human who willingly passes up pizza when it’s available to them. Pizza is reason enough to ignore any number of health risks. Pizza is reason enough to live. Pizza is reason enough to love.

7. Soft Pretzels

I firmly believe that soft pretzels are the Friday Night Lights of street snacks — somewhat overlooked but purely amazing in their essence. A sweet and salty pretzel lathered in spicy mustard can be just what you need to power through another three hours of Saturday afternoon shopping, or whatever other people do on the weekends. Beware the pretzel cart that is in conjunction with a hot dog cart, however — you’re fated to end up with a mouthful of hot-dog-water-flavored pretzel.

8. Pie

Yes, as a gluten-free monster you are missing out on pie. But the bigger tragedy here is that you’re missing out on watching a single episode of Twin Peaks, because it is impossible to watch an episode of Twin Peaks without immediately wanting, and subsequently eating a piece of pie.

9. Flour Tortillas

Sure, you can get by at Chipotle by putting your burrito in a bowl, or wrapping your tacos in the abomination that is a corn tortilla, but is that the kind of life you want to live? Getting by? Watching other people cradle their infant-sized burritos while you angrily attempt to get a decent sized bite onto that tiny, plastic fork? I didn’t think so.

10. Bagels

image - Flickr / Dennis Wilkinson
image – Flickr / Dennis Wilkinson

I saved this one for last because it is the holy grail of gluten based foods. There is nothing that cures a hangover, compliments a cup of coffee, or congratulates you for going to the gym like a toasted bagel with cream cheese. Unless you get that bagel scooped. Then that bagel is a shame to us all. TC mark

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