1. Work friends
It’s probably safe to say that work friends are the easiest friends to make. You spend around 45-50 hours a week with them, so they basically know everything about you despite having not met any of your non-work friends, seen your apartment, or seen you, in any light but your office’s fluorescents. You commiserate about a long, upcoming meeting in that one conference room that doesn’t receive heat. You share with them the weekend’s drama while stress-binging cheese curls in the kitchen. You experience the royal baby birth, polar vortexes, and disappearing 300-passenger airplanes in real time with them. You love them, and that’s a good thing — because you have to see them every. damn. day.
2. #Blessed friends
#Blessed friends are those friends who are either getting married, having children, paying mortgages, or all three. These are friends with whom you have a history with and who you once deeply related to, but now find yourself struggling to imagine living one day in their shoes. You feign excitement over centerpieces. You gush at 40-60 engagment photos that all look identical. You pretend to ignore the fact that they likely pity you for your lack of progress toward a committed, legally-bound union. But you’re fine — really, you’re fine — with being a few years off from Instagramming your to-do list, that only displays one, sad little to-do: buy groceries. You love them, support them, and let them go a little — because they’re #MARRYINGTHEIRBESTFRIEND, and, spoiler alert: it’s not you.
3. “OMG is she crazy? Oh yeah. She’s crazy. She’s really F*cking crazy” friends
You wouldn’t expect this friend to meet you for a 6 a.m. hot yoga sesh before work, but at 11:30 at night when you feel like going out but have no plans (obviously — you are not that friend! Embrace it. It’s okay.) she’s the first girl you call. She’s likely a few drinks in already, so as soon as you show up, she’s got your back. You wince a little when she introduces you to her friends with a booming, “THIS IS MY FRIEND ____. SHE LIKE, NEVER GOES OUT BUT NOW SHE’S OUT DON’T YOU LOVE IT?”…even though you know it’s true. Around 2, you realize you physically cannot keep up with her. You’re hungry, and you start to wonder if she’s eaten. You let out an audible sigh upon realizing you have to go home and wash your makeup off after a measly two hours of wearing it. You’re puzzled as to how she has such great skin when she very clearly does not wash her makeup off every night. She can’t possibly be washing her face every night, can she? You envy her a little. “She just LOVES life,” you think to yourself. You wonder if you can be like her. But then you remember that you do love life. And walking upright. And your bed. And unclogged pores. And the Real Housewives. Despite your differences, you need this friend. Because even though you wouldn’t dare drink liquor off of someone else’s body or blow off a week of work to go to Burning Man, you sure as hell love hearing about it.
4. Your parents…duh!
It’s 2014. Rent is high and you wagered your future savings account on a college education, so you’ll likely have kids of your own before you’re fully, totally, for real, 100% off of your parents’ dime. But with you living on your own, and paying most of your own bills, you have the opportunity to befriend your parents who are finally not so busy…well, parenting you. If you’re like me, your parents have eased up around you since you entered adulthood. Your mom gabs with you as girlfriends do. Your dad attempts to get away with slightly inappropriate — but still nauseating — jokes about your mom looking hot, or my own dad’s new favorite: “ratchet.” The cool thing about your parents is that they lived through their twenties once too! I know, it’s novel. They had entire lives before we came along. And although they probably can’t relate to your anxiety about the proper amount of time to wait before returning a text, their insight on navigating this perplexing time is invaluable. Also, in most cases, there is literally no one on the Earth that loves you more than your parents. So listen to their advice. Well, hear it. Resent it. Ignore it. Text your bestie and mock it. Fail miserably. Revisit initial advice. And then listen to it.
5. Ride or dies, Day Ones, BFFFLs, or whatever you want to call them friends
We’re here, guys! Your besties. The creme de la creme of friendships. Your besties are your friends who have been there through it all. Ugly cry faces. Fad diets. Losers, lookers, and loves of your life. Job interviews. More job interviews. Still job interviews. Binge-drinking-induced sickness. Successes. Disappointments. Vacations. Those memories reserved for wedding toasts, and those reserved for a very cold day in hell because that shit is not getting repeated. EVER. They’ve seen it all, and if you had any sort of boundaries left between the two of you you might feel embarrassed about some of the moments they’ve been privy to. But you don’t, because you know that judgement does not exist within the walls of your broken in union. They give it to you straight, and you definitely need that. They tell you to never ever change because you’re amazing and perfect and “literally, the best,” but that you should also probably stop falling asleep in cabs (thanks, Jen.) These are the few friends that’ll be around far past your twenties, and thirties, and so on to whatever age you find yourself #blessed enough to live to.
Along the way there are a few uncategorizable friends who join your journey. Gym friends, fur friends, bodega clerk friends, to name a few. No matter where they fall on the friend-type spectrum, you’re lucky to have ‘em. So stop reading this, and go call one. (Just not the crazy one, okay? Unless it’s Saturday night. Then you should definitely call her because you’re reading this on a Saturday night.)