“You accept the love you think you deserve.”
– The Perks of Being a Wallflower
This is one of my favorite quotes as of late, and I think I’ve finally realized exactly what it means, for me at least. Love from anyone, a parent, friend or significant other, is something that you must accept, in order to truly feel. Someone can show and tell you over and over how much they love you, but if you don’t believe you are deserving of their love, you will not be able to accept it.
Living with an anxiety disorder, I am prone to not accepting things. I don’t believe that anything is entirely concrete. Not because I don’t want to, but because my BFF anxiety doesn’t allow me to. To believe that anything is permanent, especially a feeling, means you do not question it at all. For people with anxiety, their life is constantly full of questions. The amount of questions I ponder or ask myself on a daily basis is probably in the 1000s, and the concrete answers to these questions I come up with is probably zero. Little and big issues alike, unless I can physically feel, see, or hear it, I will question it. Decision making without overthinking, obsessing and asking my mom 9484 times, that is non-existent.
That’s what the basis of anxiety is. Not trusting, and not believing.
So the whole skepticism thing, it hasn’t really served me well when it comes to my relationships with others. And I’m talking about any kind of relationship, not just one with a boyfriend. But I’ve started to figure out the secret to change, and its pretty simple. You just have to be aware. You have to understand why some of your relationships fail, and you have to understand the reasons that some of them stand strong.
For example, my relationship with my mom has stood strong through any and every obstacle life has thrown our way. Yeah I guess she’s my mom so she “has to love me,” but I think we don’t have the typical mother/daughter problems because I am able to truly accept that through it all, her love is unconditional. I do not ever question that. Not just because she’s my mom, but because she has weathered all of the storms, and never once has made me feel like I am any less “normal” because of my mental health issues.
As for the failed relationships, well they truly all have been a lesson. One thing they all have in common, both friendships and intimate relationships alike, is me feeling as though I’m “too much.” Now that I’ve become aware, I’ve been able to take a deeper look into why I have this belief. Little by little, I have been able to take this thought, and change it. I am not a burden, and I am not too much.
My boyfriend sent me a text this morning that really inspired me. It said “I’m not forced to love you, I’m not forced to be with you. I chose to.” Not only did it make my heart melt, it made me think, not just about my relationship with him, but about all of the stuff I’ve mentioned. No one is forced to do anything. People tell you they love you and stay in your life because you’re special to them, and although you may have your shortcomings, none of them could amount to more than the love they have for you. You have to believe that.
This will never be simple for me. I don’t think I’ll ever be someone who is truly able to quiet the questions, and maybe you won’t be either. But what I can tell you is, no matter what you’re going through, whether it be depression, anxiety, bipolar, substance abuse, you name it, you are deserving of love. You are deserving of strong friendships. You are deserving of intimate relationships.
You are not a burden.
And, if there happens to be anyone who thinks that you are, well, this is me giving you the permission to tell them to shove it, and quickly dismiss them from your life. Because that, is something that you do NOT deserve.