Did you think twice before you hurt her? Was it intentional? Was it a careless mistake?
It probably comes as no surprise that I am not your biggest fan. The mere mention of your name makes my blood boil. There are many things I have wanted to say to you, a million insults I’ve bottled up, waiting to throw your way. I had a few favorites that I reserved just for you. She’s too nice to yell at you, but I am not. I have no problem pointing out your flaws and telling you where to shove them. You’re probably wondering why I haven’t confronted you.
I’ll let you in on a little secret, I wanted to. I have wanted to for a long time. I kept all these things to myself because speaking the words would have made her life difficult. So, for her, I kept my mouth shut. This included being cordial in your presence and refraining from speaking out in front of your friends. But I think you should know everything thing I’ve never said.
I strongly dislike you. I say dislike because I could never hate you. I watched helplessly, waiting with open arms each time you inflicted pain upon her. My bed shrunk in size whenever she crawled into it with tear stained cheeks. By then, I was a broken record, repeating the same advice. Still, I could not find it within me to hate you.
How can I hate somebody who once made her happy? You made her laugh, gave her butterflies, you were everything I could have wanted for her. There was a time when you were the reason behind her smile. Her excitement after being with you was contagious. So, I dislike you, but I could never hate you.
You were all wrong for her from the start. I knew it. She knew it. There was just something so romantic about the bad boy falling for the good girl. It was cliche and wonderful, but unrealistic. The hopeless romantic in me wanted to believe that you were willing to change. If there were anyone who could change you, it would have been her.
Despite everything she knew about your reputation, I watched as she fell for you. It was the small gestures, the passing kisses, and the way you latched onto her every word. You made her feel special, but you did that for all the girls, didn’t you? It’s part of your charm.
Want to know a secret? I was rooting for you. In the face of everything you weren’t, I could see everything you were. Maybe it was because I was drunk off the way she smiled when texting you, or how her words sped up just half a second when she was talking about you. Or it could have been the loving look in your eye while you took care of her after she had one too many drinks. Perhaps it was how you dropped everything to help her without a second thought. It was like you were trying, really trying to be the guy she deserved. It was these small moments, glimpses at the person you really were that made me trust you with my best friend’s heart.
I do not doubt that you had strong feelings for her. You just didn’t know how to show them. This fear probably stemmed from a number of things: commitment issues, immaturity, her. She terrified you. She was unlike anything you’ve ever encountered; strong, independent, pure, and daring. She wasn’t willing to give it up so easily. You kept her around because the challenge was enticing. You’d pull her in close, but once close became too close, you were gone.
You had the easy job. You were a thief in the night, coming to steal kisses and make empty promises, but leaving before the sun could shine light on the ugly truth. You were there for the hand holding, the smiles, and the sparkle in her eye. When life was good and she was happy, you took the credit. It was after things got rough that you bailed. I was left with the hard job. I wiped her tears and witnessed her visible frustration as she recounted the latest tale in your confusing love story.
You didn’t have to hurt her. She’s a rational person, more rational than you’ll ever be. If you wanted to end things a simple conversation would have worked. She still would have been hurt, but your words would’ve lessened the blow. You did not have to press your lips to another girl’s mouth. It was the blatant betrayal that stung her the worst.
I understand how awkward a conversation would have been. Admitting feelings of any kind is hard, it makes you vulnerable. Did you even acknowledge that when you didn’t answer her text messages? She poured her heart out, risking it all with the hope that you’d reciprocate those feelings. Sure, that message scared you, but did you stop to think about how much it scared her, too?
You need to figure your life out. Find the source of all these fears and fix them. Take a break, work on yourself. Don’t come back until you’re 100% ready to give her what she deserves. Actually, don’t come back at all. I cannot watch you hurt her again. So, don’t come crawling back with your half assed promises and intoxicating kisses. She does not need that kind of confusion.
One day you’re going to make a good husband and an even better father. You’ll support your wife and play catch in the yard with your son. I say this because I know that somewhere deep down you are a good guy. I’m sorry that you did not get to show her that side of yourself. She would have been worth the risk.
In the future, I hope you look back on your time with her and understand everything you lost that night. I hope you see that she was smart, kind, selfless, strong, and willing to do anything for you. I hope you’re sick when you realize that after months of pain, you finally did something horrible enough to push her away. Was that your goal? Did you want her gone? If it was, congratulations, your wish came true. I hope these realizations leave you feeling empty.
I’ll leave you with this: she’s happy now. Happier now than she ever was with you. The smile on her face was put there by her own successes, not your vague text messages. The contagious excitement she still exudes comes from within, not a fake high from your meaningless touches. She’s happy and healthy, despite your best efforts to the contrary.
Have a nice life.