I used to be the biggest asshole to guys in bed. It’s actually kind of horrifying how I treated them. I lie, manipulate, and generally degrade them in order to get them to try harder. No man is going to phone it in when having sex with me. If I feel like they’re not going all out during foreplay, I give them a little sociopathic push before I let them inside. And then there are other things I say because fuck it, I probably don’t know the guy and will never talk to him again.
1. The Dyke Deception – This is absolute gold in a lot of sexual situations with guys. It has never failed me at any stage in an anonymous hookup. Basically, you can take it one of two ways. Either pull back while you’re making out and coyly say, “I don’t usually hook up with guys, but you’re really hot.” Instantly they’re trying to outdo whatever lesbian porn they’ve ever watched. They never do, but you still get some great hetero sex out of it. Secondly, if they’re disappointing in the oral department, pull their head up exasperated and say, “It’s OK. Guys can never get me off. That’s why I go for girls.” He’ll probably be a little taken aback, but now he has to prove that his dick can outdo a girl’s tongue.
2. Dick Defamation – Passively insult the size of their penis. It’s mean. It’s hurtful. It works.
3. The Pill Perjury – When the guy asks me if I’m on the pill I always say no even though I’ve been on it since I was sixteen. I don’t really know why I say this… there’s no logic to it.
4. Finish Falsity – So many girls lie about having orgasms so this one isn’t a big shocker. If the guy cums or is close to cumming I fake it because I’m probably bored by the third minute anyway. But I’m absolutely horrible at faking orgasms so it’s kind of pointless.
5. Call You Later Libel – If I have bad drunk sex with someone, I feel bad about it. I’m embarrassed for them and myself on our terrible collective performance. I’ll tell the guy to text me later and we can give it another go. Then when he asks for my number I take his phone and pretend to put a number in. If he checks before I can scramble out of his room, I laugh and say, “Wow, you’re a lot drunker than I thought.”