I Thought I’d Be Able To Love The Ocean With My Whole Heart Forever…

It’s funny.

The smell of the ocean.

Sweet, hot wind and sun-baked seaweed cooling as the sky darkens and steaming up the air with its salty, musty, stinging breath.

And how it looks.

Like dominant and crashing and determined. But accommodating.

I don’t know where it goes. Moving and holding more life than I can know.

Terrifying green-black hopeful abyss.

My first love I guess you could say.

Here I am sitting next to you on this rock that jets out into the sea, barely, like the palm of an earth afraid to drop us into the cold water. Gentle. Contemplative. Giving me time to watch the wild ocean exist around me. Allowing me the chance to slowly drop all the space between the familiar water and myself.

But then, I move closer to you.

The realness and the story of you, I want it all.

But the truth, the promise of the buckling, laughing hopeful abyss, I can’t forget it.

So I bring you here.

A junction.

Here I am.

It’s funny.

Smelling you.

Clean laundry. Sweat.  A little cologne you might have put on yesterday or this morning you don’t really care, but you know I like it because of its scrappy, nighttime, hotel-you’ve-never-slept-in-before sort of scent.

Tugs at my wanderlust I think.

Looking at you.

Strong shoulders that I will melt into later, probably. Loving to feel so protected, Submissive even. Under hot skin. Tan and ribbed by muscles, stretched and sturdy underneath. That is what I notice this time, looking at you.

You look up.

As if thoughts are swishing around in your mind and maybe if you tilt your head back and fill it with some open sky all those thoughts will sort of fall back, arrange themselves, and pass through one by one.

I don’t know what you think, most of the time.

Your mind, all shimmery and reflective and so beautiful, it makes me think and it makes me want to see past the sparkling projections it puts onto me into the deep of you instead. And it makes me want to be closer to you to you than to anything else. Anything else.

What you and I have is a hopeful abyss all its own. Created by something bigger than us. Discover.  Fearless. Vulnerable. Uninhibited.

I love you more than the ocean I guess you could say.

I do.

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