I Met A Man On SeekingArrangement And I Feel Dirty For Doing It

Shutterstock / sakkmesterke
Shutterstock / sakkmesterke

I decided to experiment with SeekingArrangement.com. When I first joined, I wasn’t desperate by any means. I worked full-time in tech, and am an honor student at the university I am going to. I was really just curious…and extra income never hurts.

I used my university email, used a fake profile picture of a girl who looked kind of like me, since I want to be able to find a normal job in the future, and created a premium account.

I got hundreds of messages in my months of using the site. Most were from older Caucasian guys, every now and then it would be from a guy my age, but regardless the age they usually always want something a normal girlfriend or wife wouldn’t be willing to do — like threesomes, anal, double penetration, and a big majority insist on unprotected sex. I had no interest in degrading myself or risking my health for the sake of money.

After about six months on being on the site, I finally got a message from a guy from across the country, who seemed normal, and had a very similar background to mine. He claimed he just wanted a younger girlfriend to be in a relationship with — promising that he was a total gentleman.

After talking on the phone, he promised me a $3000 a month allowance, to meet every other week, saying his last relationship was with a girl who went to NYU and lasted two years, he paid off all her student loans and even took her on a Mediterranean cruise.

I was curious, since I have yet to meet anyone off the site. And because I missed sex. Like him, I had no interest in doing anything sexual that wasn’t vanilla. I analyzed the whole situation again and again, and even discussed it with one of my close guy-friends who told me, “If he doesn’t chop you up the first time, he’ll get tired of you very quickly.”

But the offer was too tempting for me to turn down, especially since I was laid off at the time. So I agreed to meet him.

The next day he bought me a plane ticket to fly five hours across the country to meet him for the weekend. I made sure to pack mace and a Swiss knife in my checked-in luggage, for self-defense in case anything happened. He picked me up with his Aston Martin at the airport and took me straight to dinner. After dinner, he took me to a hotel room and told me he wanted the experience to feel like a boyfriend and girlfriend. He wanted me to tell him when I wanted to start the arrangement. I knew he was expecting sex, like 99% of the guys on Seeking Arrangement. An arrangement is a sexual exchange, I don’t know how others twist it to sound like it isn’t. He left me alone for the night, and every other night I was there, since he claimed he wanted “to give me space.”

He seemed like a nice guy, and I am not going to lie, $1500 for the weekend just for vanilla sex was hard to say no to. I missed sex. I had friends with benefits before. So this to me, was friends with extra benefits. So I told him the next morning when he came by that I was ready.

The sex was good. But I am not going to lie — all I could think about when I had sex with him was, “I am pretty sure my dad is better-looking, taller and hotter than him.” After the sex, I felt filthy, and started to miss the girl who used to insist on working hard to make her own money. I missed the girl who used to believe that her future had unlimited potential, and that someday she’d do something great and purposeful with her life. But at the same time I told myself in my mind, “just look at him as a generous, helpful boyfriend.”

I somehow managed to persuade myself to want to keep going, but there was never a moment when I was with him that I didn’t feel disgusted and filthy. If sleeping with a guy old enough to be your dad isn’t filthy, gross or weird, what is it?

While I was still there, my sugar daddy kept telling me how he wanted to see me again and wanted to arrange for me to fly out again. Once I got home, however, he texted me saying, “I didn’t feel a connection with you, good luck with your search.”

I was sad I dropped myself to such a level for the sake of sex and money, but at the same time, I realized how it wasn’t worth it. I deleted my profile after his text, and decided to never try again. And made up my mind that maybe I should get a religion to cleanse my soul.

I spent weeks feeling filthy, used, and couldn’t help wondering what I did wrong. All I can say is, Seeking Arrangement is for the most part, prostitution. No man is going to pay you to just sit there and eat dinner with him. If there ever is that guy, he probably is a one out of a million. Whoever says Seeking Arrangement isn’t prostitution has a very different definition of what prostitution is compared to the norm, or they’re just lying to themselves like I tried to do. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

More From Thought Catalog