10 Things You Never Knew About Dating And Sex

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You would think that as a whole humans would have this whole dating thing worked out by now, but no one has the time to make any useful discoveries because we’re all too distracted by our hormones. Fortunately there are some fun stories and sort-of/almost facts on the topic that use can use as an ice-breaker the next time you try and hit on someone.

1) How You Doin?

A recent study claims that when a guy first approaches a girl she will only make 7% of her judgments of him based on the actual words that are coming out of his mouth. So men, rest assured that it’s not just your horrible pick up line that bombed, it’s probably your face, and your shirt, and the fact that you’re sipping a Jägerbomb as well. On the flipside, that also means that if you’ve passed our biological size up as you’ve walked across the room toward us that you can potentially say whatever you want and we don’t even care. Good talk, potential father of our first-born!

2) I’ll Put A Spell On You

In Irish folklore, if a woman eats a four-leaf clover while thinking of a man he will fall in love with her. Tricky. Modern interpretations might include reciting “I am worthy of love” affirmations while getting our hair highlighted in between sipping on kombucha and sub-tweeting to the object of our desire. Whatever works.

3) When Fat Equals Sex

Don’t hate me for this. Studies show that fatter baby boys are more likely to have sex earlier in life than their thin counterparts because that manly testosterone is pulsing faster through their little roly-poly limbs and turning them into the first post-pubescent studs of their class.

(I have no idea what this knowledge is good for besides writing articles about weird facts.)

4) Some Proof that Horrible Dancing Means Horrible Sex

So, I’m sad to report that Jamaica had a popular dance move called “The Dagger” that was banned when people started utilizing it in their sex life and breaking their wee-wees. It was reportedly a very rough dance. Right. So…why was this a thing? In my day we had “grinding” which tended to run rampant on school dances but didn’t pose much of a threat beyond an unnecessary increase in half boners and maybe a stern talking to from a chaperone.  Why must the weird sexy dance be taken a step further to something that’s even more vigorous and out of control dangerous than actual sex to begin with? Sounds awful. Even without the broken body parts.

5) That Adrenaline Looks Great on You

Some studies report that people fall in love faster if they meet in a dangerous situation and survived unscathed. Apparently the body does something like this: “Man was with me in time of duress. He only panicked a little. Let us be forever melded together by this shared and unique emotional experience.”  Does hiding out from the paparazzi count as a dangerous situation? Asking for a friend. So the downside to this scenario is that your commuter train has been hijacked, but the upside is that once you get rescued you get to dramatically walk out clutching your new fiancé that you just met that very morning! How could you not get a free wedding from some supportive local advertisers for that spectacle?

6) Everything Happens for a reason:

Los Angeles, 1999. A Jewish rabbi comes up with the idea of speed dating. The most popularly disastrous dating technique ever! Can this guy get some credit? Maybe he would have gotten a copywrite for this idea if he had know it would go on to become the lifeline of 85% of future rom-coms. And also sitcoms.

7) Online Dating- The Dangers:

When people decide to make the leap to online dating, they often have some reservations about the process. For women the top reported fear is meeting the serial killers of the world, partly because too many hot chicks have perished over the years in slasher flicks and partly because no one wants their obituary to read “Dies searching for husband in chat room”. Men on the other hand fear meeting fat women, because there are no female serial killers.

8) Why the Prettiest Girl You Know Could Use Some Flowers

For one of the stupidest things you’ll ever hear, women who are considered the most beautiful get asked out less often than average looking women because men are more likely to be intimidated by them, but they get sexually harassed more often. That’s a great technique gentlemen; if she looks too pretty for you just shout a few things about her sexy butt out your car window and drive away. That’ll show her.

9) Biology Making Everything Weird

On average people take a few dates to decide if they could potentially love someone, but will know within seconds if they would love to bone them. Nothing speeds up the good old pheromone testing process like actually tasting their saliva, am I right? Let’s rub some sweat on each other, see what we have in common. Delish.

10) And Now For the Most Outdated and Totally Romantic thing You’ll Never Do:

Similar to how roses all have incredibly specific meanings based on their colors, you can also have an entire conversation with only…a stamp! To keep an element of privacy in their already incredibly romantic snail mail notes during wartimes, couples would literally send messages to each other by the angle they adhered their stamp on the envelope. An upside down stamp means “I love you”, or “I’m lonesome/love sick” (cause, same thing right?). A sideways stamp with the top to the right of the envelope means “love and kisses”, sideways to the left means “I promise not to leave you”, diagonal towards the right is a marriage proposal, and diagonal towards the left means “Yes I will”. Mind Blown. I wouldn’t suggest doing your own marriage proposal via text with the bride emoji, but there is one of an envelope with a heart on it, which could possibly be good for something. TC Mark

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