You weren’t what I expected when I thought about happiness. You weren’t what I was searching for or even what I thought I needed but that’s how things work; they show up when we think we are fine, to teach us things we didn’t even know we needed to learn and then leave us feeling some type of way. In the short time since we’ve developed this thing we call a “friendship”, it’s become clear that you were far more than I anticipated and exactly what I needed. I’ve learned a few things in our short time together that have changed me even more than I anticipated…
I’ve learned that what I thought I wanted may not be it. You made me feel things I didn’t know were possible. And I’m not sure if those things would be things I feel with anyone else, or honestly, if I even want to. Maybe you were just the answer to a question I didn’t know I had. Whatever the reason, you made me want something different. You made me want to have new experiences and you made me a bolder, more daring version of myself.
I’ve learned that the right person will make you open up in ways you never have before. We weren’t more than a few weeks into this new relationship and we were sharing things with each other that started with “I’ve never told anyone this before…” There are versions of our story that we share with those close to us and then there are the versions with nothing cut out to make us seem less crazy. I could share those pieces with you and not worry that you’d judge me and I know you felt the same. Your life is safe with me; I promise that I’ll hold on to these pieces and I’ll take any of the new ones you need to share. I got you, always. And I know that I can always tell you exactly how I’m feeling and that you’ll listen, no matter what the topic.
I’ve learned that we get who we need. I needed someone I could be me with. Someone I could be loud with, cry with, say anything to and someone who made me feel things I needed to feel. Sometimes, we don’t know that we aren’t our best selves until someone shows up who opens our eyes. You came into my life at a time when I felt like something was missing but didn’t know what it was. And regardless of how this all plays out, you were what I needed in the exact moment I needed it.
I’ve learned that sometimes, the moments with no words are the most intense. Those times when we were driving around together and the silence hit, everything that couldn’t be said aloud was said in that silence. In that look, the biting of your bottom lip, the way you pulled your eyes away then looked back, seconds later, a smile spreading across your face. Those are the moments that were filled with the most intense words and feelings and even though no actual words escaped your lips, in those moments I knew everything I needed to know.
I’ve learned that saying goodbye is only as final as you make it. When a connection is as strong as ours, no matter what circumstances arise, the goodbye isn’t really goodbye. There are some people who belong in your life and those people are worth fighting for; necessary for survival. In a short amount of time, you’ve quickly become my person and this goodbye is only for now.