You didn’t leave me, you abandoned me.
How long has it been since the last time I saw you? Nine months? Ten? I don’t exactly know the reasons behind this ocean of emotions masked as a random letter. Maybe this is just some post-drama awareness after the months of feeling extra depressed. Or maybe you just popped into my head and now I’m back at square one. I’m not so sure. Either way, for whatever reason behind this letter, I just wanna say that these are all the things I’m keeping in the dusty part of my mind.
I’ve kept them to myself for so long that it made me miserable, and now I’m taking the leap to finally let them go. I’m letting you go.
To the guy who made me feel as if I wasn’t just his star, but instead, his full damn sky. To the guy who made me realize that I am capable of loving someone, because I loved every inch of him. To the guy who left me hanging with a broken heart and an ocean of unanswered questions… I just want to know why.
Why did you leave me? Was it because I wasn’t good enough? Or was it because I was way too good, to the point that you thought you didn’t deserve me? Either way, why? This is the question I’ve been dying to ask you since day one, but I never had the courage. You left me, with or without a valid reason, and that’s it. At least, that’s what I initially thought.
I’m filled with rage, rage that’s made of all the hurt you’ve effortlessly caused me, but that doesn’t make me miss you any less. I always do, but this time’s different. It feels more unbearable, as if the longer I don’t see you, the more it hurts to keep it all inside.
I know that I have to be strong so I could prove to myself that if I had once lived without you in my life, I could live it again if I wanted it bad enough – but the thing is that I can’t bring myself to want that kind of life as much as I just want you with me again.
I’m tempted to say the words that could change everything and free myself from the cage of false hope, but I’ve come to think of this claustrophobic space as home, as it is the only piece of you that belongs to nobody else but me. And I think that to have such part of your being is the closest thing to nirvana, even if holding onto it hurts, because it only ever reminds me that to be completely mine is what you cannot ever be.
You know what hurts me the most? It’s the fact the you could have at least given me a proper closure but you, having no balls, did not. You just left. You acted as if we repel; as if we both have the same charge. You acted as if you never gave a single fuck about me when just months ago, you were overly possessive when it came to me. You acted as if you never knew me. And you acted as if I never meant the whole damn sky to you.
I never knew that that night would be the night where we would part ways; that you would go on with your life without me in it. It makes me sad just thinking that you are okay, that you are completely fine without me being a part of your life.
It sucks because the thought of you still haunts me.
But I must say that the pile of courage that’s hidden within me has now made its way to the front. I am now moving on with my life. Yes, it still hurts, but I can’t continue living with this paralyzing pain. I don’t deserve any of the pain you have inflicted on me and that’s why I am moving forward. I guess missing you every now and then is a part of it, since truth be told, you were once my forever. It was good while it lasted, though.
Thank you for making me realize that I am capable of one thing: and that is to love. But I can never thank you for breaking my heart. I’d like to say I wish you the best in life, but I’d be a hypocrite if I did. I deserve the best and you clearly are NOT the best for me. I’m getting over you and I’m calling it a celebration.