I Refuse To Be Your ‘Sometimes’ Girl

We could have been anything and now we are nothing. It’s a classic story really. Boy and girl realize they like each other. Girl is irrationally afraid of being hurt. Girl finally lets go of fears. Boy runs away. Girl waits for him to come back, and he does come back, but he always holds her at arms length. She crumbles.

I know now what I am to you. It’s taken me five very long months full of waiting for you to message, to turn up at my door, to fight for me. I am the girl you sometimes like. Maybe deep down you feel something big for me, maybe you don’t. I will never know because you will never tell me.

The thing is, I always like you. Even at your very worst, you are my favorite person to talk to.

Even when you lay next to me in bed and tell me your emotional problems with women, that always are about me. I’m such a masochist that it makes me like you more. Some days I feel I’ve been cured of you. I see your flaws and I see how you’ve treated me and I remember that I deserve better, and all of a sudden I’m cured. But then your android phone must have an alert for when I’m cured because you turn up again. Not ever in the way that I want, though. You come back with kind words, a powerful hand on my lower back reminding me of your presence, your messages telling me I look cute tonight.

I’m everything you want when there is no one else, or when someone better is far away, because you know it’s easy with me and you know I always want to spend time with you. I’d like to think that maybe it’s just so natural with you and me that you don’t realise the pain you are causing me. That every time you introduce me to your friends, or tell me I’m cute with my glasses that it doesn’t even enter your mind that I fall right back into your trap. That I will think it shows you care, it shows I mean something. Because the truth of the matter is, you don’t care and I don’t mean anything. I used to mean something, and I remember how you acted when I meant something. I am now just the unimportant girl you like enough to keep around but not enough to talk to.

I am the girl you miss on a Sunday afternoon during your comedown and the girl you want to see at 4 am.

I am the girl who would pick you up from anywhere and not demand a single reason. I am one of the many girls who like the boys who only sometimes like her. I am the sometimes girl – something I always thought I was too strong for. I don’t see being the sometimes girl as being weak anymore though. In fact, I think it shows my strength because every day I put my heart through absolute pain. Every week I am getting over the same heartache. Every week I try to distance myself away, but my heart is so open now that I let the same pain flood through it. I no longer have walls up to keep the pain and love away. It must all come in just as it all must leave.

I hope one day you realize that it shows your weakness. I hope one day one of your friends sits you down like they’ve sat me down and told me that you’ll never be as happy as you could have been with me. But most of all, I hope one day someone comes along and sees me as more than the sometimes girl that I know I am. I hope he is worthy of me, and enough to wash you out.