I have been wandering around this planet for the last 23 years without a single clue as to what the fuck I’m here for. If I know one thing for sure, it’s that I know who I am and I know that I am good, I know that the deepest, even darkest, parts of me, they know no evil. That has to count for something, right?
What do you do when you feel like being a good person is all you’re really even good at? What about when simply being a good person doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Some days it feels as if everyone around me has found their purpose in life and by purpose, I’m not even quite sure I know what I mean.
By purpose, do I mean figuring out ones career? Eh, I don’t know. I’d like to think our “purpose” in life should far surpass just some career. Then I think, “But maybe deciding on a career, you know, finding something we’re good at, that we get paid for, maybe that’s part of finding our own purpose?”
I go back and forth trying to figure out just what “finding purpose” really means.
I find myself to be both a very happy, very sad person, simultaneously. I don’t really understand it, but it’s who I am. I have everything a human being could possibly yearn for, good health, a loving family, genuine friends, and a beautiful home. So why do I feel like something is missing? Is it because I feel like I haven’t found my “purpose”?
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching over the years. I find that i have found purpose in many things, but not one thing entirely. Some days I feel like that’s not okay. I feel as if there’s an empty void I should be filling full of purpose. There should be one thing I am entirely and completely passionate about. I search and I search but I just can’t seem to find it. Maybe it does, indeed exist, and maybe it doesn’t.
The “what do you want to be when you grow up” question never sat well with me. I want to be many things, I thought. I want to be a musician, an artist, a mother, a lover, a friend, a teacher, a business woman. Just pick one already, I’d think to myself. I struggled with these thoughts and this theory that if I had picked just one thing, if I could come up with something solid to say when people asked me what I was doing with my life, that my life would have more purpose, more meaning, a sense of fulfillment, people would believe I knew where I was headed, they would believe I knew how I was going to get there, they would believe I was going to be great.
Truth is, I have no idea where I’m headed, I have no idea which roads I’ll take to get there, but I do know that I will be great. I do know that while I am not perfect, I am entirely good, no evil and no hate resides in me. I realized what a full life I have been living when I stopped worrying about what everyone else thinks about where I am and where I’m going.
Maybe finding purpose simply means discovering and practicing the little things that make you feel alive every day.
If that’s the case, I have found purpose in so much throughout my time here on Earth. I am surrounded by people and things that bring me life, joy, even purpose, every day.
I no longer believe figuring out your career path in life means you’ve found your purpose. I believe we find our purpose through much simpler, every day parts of life. I believe we find purpose in getting our children ready for school in the morning, in helping a friend or neighbor during a time of need, we find it in the love we receive and the love we give to others, maybe in the eyes of our lover or our children when they first wake up in the morning. We find our purpose in hard work, in things we are proud of, in being needed; we find a sense of purpose in simply just doing well, by being good.
So again, I ask,
What do you do when being a good person just doesn’t feel like it’s enough?
It’s simple. You stop being so hard on yourself. You stop beating yourself up. You keep doing the little things that make you feel alive. You keep surrounding yourself with those who make you feel alive. You stop concentrating on the big picture, you simply concentrate on living, on loving, on doing good and you rest satisfied with all of the above. Stop chasing, running, over thinking and just appreciate what is right in front of you. Life is not about having it all figured out.
Life is about the messy things that happen along the way, it is about all the in between, when you stop looking for some big purpose, and you concentrate on all of your small purposes, you live a much fuller life. Don’t believe me? Go ahead and try it.