18 Agonizing Reasons Your Life Will Never Look Like Your Tumblr Or Pinterest

Let me tell you all something. I have been all about Tumblr since before it was cool and quirky and filled with animal gifs. I used it to basically outline what I wanted for my life and what I wanted was to be effortlessly chic and cooking delicious food in an impeccably designed apartment in street style that would make Tim Gunn blush. Unfortunately, I am not composed, talented, together, patient or willing enough to actually hone the skills it would take to do any of that, and I cannot be alone in feeling cheated out of the Tumblr/Pinterest life that should be mine. Alas, here are the reasons your life will never look as fabulously as it does on the internet.

1. When you have your coffee in the morning you do not have time to sit and make a little design out of the foam and take a photo of it while you’re sitting by a windowsill with your hair draping down the side of your face looking over as your effortless booty short/big sweater combo drapes on your size 0000 body.

2. You don’t have any idea of how to go about making some outlandish setup for your bed like the ones that hang from the ceiling or are situated in closets or are made of tents in backyards with Christmas lights on the trees like if I had THAT much energy making a weird ass bed for myself would not be where I spent it. ALSO, you cannot maintain entirely white bedding bc crumbs and food and makeup you don’t wash off nor can you pull off Christmas lights above them without it looking like you put on the Grinch soundtrack and drunkly strung them up in the middle of July.

3. Your messy bun just looks messy and slightly deranged not effortlessly stylish.

4. You never seem to know where you’d have to be to witness the moment where every orange leaf falls on the city street perfectly and you are sipping a latte with your waterfall braid perfectly intact, gazing out thoughtfully, as a photographer comes up behind you and snaps the most perfect photo that doesn’t even require 3 filters to look decent.

5. The good gods over in the technological world have yet to grace us humans with glasses that let us see our lives through Instagram filters. I’m waiting for the day.

6. You’re not a cat and if you were you’d be the one who goes skidding around the floor over a laser pointer not a cute one that’s cuddled up to their attractive owner, lounging about looking effortlessly bitchy and fabulous.

7. You just can’t see the point in putting drinks in mason jars or turning random objects into chalkboards so you can write random shit on them and you also don’t write emo ass quotes on fucking everything in your life.

8. MAC makeup looks like clown face paint and you acknowledge that there are some majestical little unicorn magicians that can use their wizardry to transform faces/lives with that shit, but you are not. one. of. them. You tried to contour your face once and you looked like Simba.

9. You’re not in a perfect ass relationship where you and your stylish significant other hold hands as your tiny handwritten tattoos with arrows next to them show and you don’t cuddle in a position that makes your ass look good and you’d drool on each other when you slept together and there’s no way anybody gets any rest while simultaneously looking as though they’re holding their tits perpetually upright.

10. You have never made popsicles out of random shit and you just don’t remember to stick random herbs or whatever in your ice cubes because you actually aren’t the housewife/homemaker your Pinterest would otherwise indicate you are.

11. You can’t find 20 different uses for cucumbers.

12. You can’t cut your food into adorable shapes without it all falling apart. And by that I mean, if there’s food in front of your face you’re not going to waste time cutting it into shapes you’re going to eat that shit like people who take photos of their food have an unprecedented ability to defy instant gratification and it scares me.

13. The only places you travel that would be suitable for any nature photography are like… your backyard? And on that note you don’t have the Photoshop skills to make random trees look like they are a kaleidoscope of colors/you don’t casually check out the natural wonders of the world on the weekend.

14.  You don’t look out to the world and see stardust in the corners of your view or a big circle with a quote inside in the middle of your line of vision. You’re still unsure why that’s so popular.

15. You don’t know what sweater weather is but you do know that grandpa sweaters from Good Will both smell weird and make you look like you gained 20 lbs so fuck that shit.

16. You don’t like tea enough to have it 16 times a day.

17. As far as you are concerned, the chances of you getting married are slim to none at this point, but if you are able to coerce someone into loving you forever, you probably wouldn’t mince time pasting “I DO!” to the bottom of your shoes or holding up picture frames that say “I do… me too!” with your heads inside of them for photos like you’re going to haul ass down that aisle and marry that fucker while you still have the chance.

18. Holidays to you are not opportunities to prove your status as a bona fide Martha Stewart. You didn’t go as a zombie for Halloween, donned with horrifyingly realistic makeup that you learned how to do on Youtube. You sat on your couch and watched Halloweentown and ate a whole bowl of candy. And Christmas = presents and cookies, not a month devoted to crafting the most perfect party that denies Christmas colors and Santa hats bc hipsters. TC Mark

Part time writer. Full time bad ass bitch. Brunch-having New Yorker.

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