There are two sides of the story when we’re talking about the nearly taboo issue of post-grad employment. Either you have it and you’re miserable, or you don’t and you’re miserable. Grass is always greener, right? So I in no way mean to be condescending toward those who haven’t found employment, I’m just trying to speak to those who are unhappily going through their day-to-day 9-5 just trying to not become completely defeated by the mind-numbing routine that is… you know… life.
1. You can afford a Venti latte at Starbucks.
2. The best weekend plans become doing absolutely nothing, and then when you want to do something, you can order more than whatever’s on tap at the bar.
3. Reading for pleasure becomes a thing again (lol that’s why you’re on tccccc!!!!).
4. You’re finally out of that environment where you feel peer pressured to dress a certain way like you can fucking work that romper for the first time and nobody can say jack shit because you’re an adult and you do what you want.
5. You can treat yourself to more than just a boxed wine pity party when you see yet another engagement photo on Facebook with 300 likes. You can now curse your fate in style, with a great Merlot and another $500 in credit card debt because Zara understands you.
6. You become a morning person which, you know, LOL, because that’s the last thing you thought would happen while you were in college. But hey, you get more done, which means you’re THAT much farther away from getting fired!
7. You say you’re over drinking excessively and imply that you just go out with your friends to sip on a cocktail and then retreat home to your significant other to have a half hour of sex and wake up for yoga class the next morning when the truth is you’re still binging but now it’s just by yourself while watching Netflix. And by sex and yoga you mean masturbating and eating leftover pizza for breakfast the next day.
8. Going grocery shopping and saying you’re going grocery shopping because that’s what adults do.
9. Complaining that the dry cleaners aren’t open because you get your clothes dry cleaned now.
10. Being able to purchase stupid things you’ve always wanted. Like the wool socks I just got that I won’t wear but they just so fucking soft like how could I not invest????
11. Actually being able to afford to binge shop at Target like you’ve always wanted to. That dollar section didn’t know what was coming when I started working full time.
12. You are just slightly less paranoid about getting pregnant or getting someone else pregnant because I mean, at least you have a job and a degree? Stable relationship? What?
13. Even though you miss some parts of college, you know you don’t want to go back because that sched. was crazy shit. You clock out at 5 and that’s it, you don’t have to worry about papers and extracurriculars and any of that shit. It’s nothing but masturbating and drinking on the horizon after 5 p.m.
14. YOU CAN GET YOUR OWN CAT.
15. You can spend your time hosting dinner parties and actually caring about throw pillows and DIY crafts for your apartment because you’re an adult and you’re going to have a presentable living space bc obviously.
16. You actually don’t have to remain friends with people you don’t even like anymore.
17. You can date whoever you want. Ex’s best friend? Who cares. You’re gone. Guy you’ve been secretly sleeping with for half a year? Prime lifetime mate material. Girl you meet online? Completely acceptable. Nobody’s judging like they did while you were in college. Gotta get it while you can.