I have spent my formative years searching in all the wrong places for a good time on a Friday night, overlooking the one place where the magic really happens. In fact, my friend and I came to this conclusion the other day when we realized that hey, yeah, we’ve actually had infinitely more fun at our local gay bar than basically anywhere else. No, this is not because gay men are our fabulous little bitches who will fix our hair and no, it’s not because we think it’s sooo funny and cute to be in their presence or any of that shit. And I’m not even talking about the ways in which gay bars cater to a flourishing/raging lesbian such as myself (heeeyyy sexy laddaays). I’m just saying, they’re more fun, more accepting, and generally more fabulous. And you fuckers need to know what you’re missing out on.
1. Some have dual-gendered/gender-free bathrooms. If that’s not the most beautiful evidence of progress you’ve ever heard of, I don’t know what is.
2. The drinks are just better. Like sour patch kids shots and shit.
3. They just have a more accepting undertone. You can march in in your leather skirt and people won’t glare they’ll be like hell yeah baby work that skirt don’t let anybody tell you what it means to be a slut.
4. You can work it on a dance floor and some fabulous person will come and start shaking their ass to “The Time” by the Black Eyed Peas with you and in that moment your homosexuality will be infinite.
5. Even if your straight friend who you dragged along is initially a wee bit uncomfortable, after being handed a glass of water to calm the nerves all will be well in hetero-land. Because obviously the bartender would think to hand them a glass of water.
6. If you’re a fortunate little bird you will be bought drinks by someone of the opposite sex with whom you are mutually sexually disinterested but they’re just looking to do something nice for a stranger. Adorable.
7. You can say “I’d like to thank Hannah Hart’s ass for my homosexuality” and have a girl high five you without even looking up from her drink.
8. They just fucking accept everybody. You don’t have to pretend, you don’t have to dilute your attraction to that hot girl who looks like Alex Vause (LESBIANS, UNITE FOR A SECOND, THIS REALLY HAPPENED LAST WEEKEND AND I ALMOST THREW UP AND DIED AND ASKED HER TO MARRY ME).
9. Your straight friends come to pay attention to your needs and solely your needs, as they sit in the corner, double fisting their drinks, checking out people for you.
10. Subtlety is generally a foreign concept, which is great for someone like me because I am generally as subtle as a UTI but also because you don’t have to be wishy washy about whether or not you wanna look over and give that girl the lesbian head tilt (you know what I’m talking about don’t pretend you don’t).
11. You haven’t been to a theme party until you’ve been to one at the gay bar because no party is complete without somebody in drag as Barbra or Celine and there is also nowhere else that you can do karaoke with backup singers who know every harmony. Sorry if that’s stereotypical but like, this fucking fabulous truth cannot be avoided.