1. The friend who makes sly side-comments here and there that insult you in ways that are almost undetectable until one day you realize you’re the butt of every joke.
It is time for a new flock of friends, people. Especially when this person makes said joke and everybody else there kind of giggles/smirks and glances at one another because the only person who isn’t in on it is you. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. There is having a good sense of humor about yourself and then there is honestly being insulted under the guise of a joke. You can identify the latter when the subject matter is something you yourself wouldn’t joke about.
2. The person who cheated with you.
This has been said I don’t even know how many hundreds of times and still, I have seen, time and time again, people absolutely shattered over their S.O. cheating on them. Look babe, if they do it with you they’ll do it on you. They’re obviously not above it, I don’t care how awful the ex was and how madly in love with you they were. Serial cheaters are the most common kind and if they’re open to the principle once, it’s usually just a matter of time.
3. The friend who wears a YOLO t-shirt. They are in a #dark place.
A friend of a friend was considering getting a YOLO tattoo and I’m not even making this up. Unsurprisingly, my friend was having problems with this friend and declared her evil by nature and I hereby also confirm that YOLO is a sign of either a quarter-life crisis or the way you make yourself feel better about doing really weird shit.
4. The friend who claims to never eat junk food. They lie.
Those strange beings who claim to not have had a french fry in 5 years and run three miles every morning before work and are vegan paleo whatever-the-hell and do not veer ever… they are liars. LI.ARS. And thus cannot be trusted.
5. The boyfriend/girlfriend whose favorite movie is Love and Basketball.
This actually comes from a co-worker who claimed that all of his high school exes had the same favorite movie: Love and Basketball. Thus, it is an omen. I will not argue against this.
6. The guys (and girls…) whose moms do their laundry in their late-20’s.
Look. It’s time to launch that rocket away from mom and pop. If they can’t do this basic task there is little hope for them to enact all of your romantic fantasies.
7. Anybody whose excuses are very clearly bullshitted but you kind of nod and say it’s okay because you’re just too embarrassed for them.
They obviously don’t think much of you by the way of intelligence, and not to mention if they’re okay with being that blatantly dishonest about lunch plans, imagine things more serious.
8. People who won’t look you in the eye.
This is the ultimate tell-tale sign of whether or not a person is genuine. Because most likely their eyes are blackened by the devil in their souls and they have to hide it.
9. Anybody who hit you, even just once. Even if there are a hundred reasons why you “provoked it.”
Being serious for a second, I know WAY too many people who have stayed (and are staying) in abusive relationships because of the fact that they think they did something to provoke it or that it was a one-time thing. It is never a one-time thing. And just so you know, you’re not responsible for someone else hitting you.
10. People that quote “if you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” on social media because that is a RED FLAG.
This usually comes after a series of existential breakdowns that unfortunately played out on Facebook or Twitter. Also, it’s more of a message of comfort to significant others and prospective dates but ironically it’s really the polar opposite of that because it means you’re in for a lot of the former and occasionally the latter.
11. Your brain. Not a person. But illogical, irrational and will torture you.