Thousands of women have come to me because their relationships seem to hit one brick wall after another. When they reveal their experiences, they have one thing in common: They become way too involved way before the guys are ready or arrive emotionally. And they’ve left themselves with no other options because they took themselves off the market as soon as they found a guy they liked and over focused and over invested in him. Then they want to know how to keep him interested.
Then they become over anxious expecting him to move the relationship forward to adjust to their timelines. That anxiety scares him away and dampens his pursuit. And these women get even more desperate, they chase harder and he retracts further, and the cycle continues….
They treat these guys as their boyfriends when the guys are not treating them as their girlfriends. They get mad and that anger doesn’t help their cause in the slightest. The more jaded they become, the less inspired the men are to give them what they want.
Many of them refuse to be “unloyal” to their EUM (emotionally unavailable man, the moniker these women use to denote their non-boyfriends) by dating other guys. But honestly, that belief is part of why he’s not into them: It’s not attractive because it devalues their self worth. Their “loyalty” causes them to lean forward, over invest and pine. Plus, it’s totally one-sided: The woman is committed to this non-relationship and he’s not. He’s still keeping his options wide open.
Here’s the truth: Dating more guys will make you much more attractive to men than loyalty. Sure there are plenty of naysayers out there, but here’s where I shut down all their arguments:
CONCERN #1: It’s hard to focus on so many guys at the same time.
Well duh, the whole point in order to be successful in dating is NOT to (over) focus on any one guy before he shows his real consistent interest in you. This is why you are over-invested in the first place because you arrive before him and expect him to be on the same page as you. The exact point of multiple dating is that you SPREAD your focus on many guys until one steps up.
CONCERN #2: How can you get to know someone better if you date many?
It’s the same question as how can you give love to all your kids when you have more than one? However, in the dating case, sooner or later one or a few will stand out from the rest. You are not marrying each one of them. You are screening them so you get the right one for you. It’s not that hard to remember facts about these guys. It’s not nuclear science.
CONCERN #3: How can you give him the attention he deserves if you have the other two? I want to be treated like I’m the only one too.
It’s good that you want that, and it’s not wrong to want that, however, it’s not up to you that he treats you as the only one. You can’t control him. You can only reward and mirror him, meaning if he wants to be exclusive with you and treat you as a girlfriend then you can say yes to his offer. If he doesn’t and barely communicates with you between the once-a-week or every-other-week dates, how can he deserve all your attention?
CONCERN #4: How can you melt his heart while keeping your options open?
And again, what’s the point of over focus? Giving your full attention when you’re with them is more than enough and let the chips fall where they may after that. You should go back to your life after, instead of obsessing about him which, again, is why you have this pining energy that turns men off.
CONCERN #5: Guys who are serious about wanting a girlfriend won’t tolerate a woman who dates many.
Hogwash. In fact, my clients’ guys step up even more when they sniff competition, when they no longer put all their eggs in one basket and act like a doormat. It’s true that a guy doesn’t want you to date others when he’s actively investing time and energy and has already fallen for you. In that case, he will be claiming you either verbally of by his energy/actions. You will know beyond a shadow of a doubt when a guy wants you to himself. Until then, act single. Honor yourself and your allegiance to yourself, first and foremost. Be easy to lose and keep him on his toes.
My boyfriend was very fast to claim me with his energy so I didn’t have much chance to date others. He booked practically all my free time. When I asked him why he pursued me so hard, he said, “Because if I don’t, some other guy would.”
You see, guys know what to do all right. If he sees a woman as the prize, he’ll lock her down. Those who don’t, it’s only because they don’t want to or could care less about you seeing other guys for whatever reason (not that into you or not ready).
When you believe in your own desirability and value as a woman (who doesn’t just give away her options and loyalty), he will too! And that very attitude will inspire him to step up his game if he’s into you enough. And only by his active investment in you and the relationship, can he fall in love with you and connect to you emotionally. That won’t happen when you are way ahead of him. Your heavy/pining energy will chase him away.
CONCERN #6: It only takes three weeks to decide if dating pans out, so why not wait three weeks before you start seeing other guys?
Mmmmm…not really. Dating situations are rarely black and white like that. Some guys wait a while for whatever reason before asking you out again on a second or subsequent date. And if you like him, it’s hard to just sit around twiddling your thumbs waiting for him to ask you out. So just put him out of your mind and go out on a few first dates with others.
Imagine how many three weeks will you waste if you keep doing this? You’ll be picking out your wedding dress, getting yourself busy and occupied just because you are madly attracted to one guy. That will be a kiss of death to your courtship.
You want all the flexibility you can manage, and mind you, it’s not a sin since you are a single woman! Don’t let anyone get you into this guilt trip for taking care of and nurturing yourself without an apology. At the end of the day, you can’t rely on anyone or any guy for your peace of mind and happiness so —take care of yourself FIRST and FOREMOST.
The only way you can successfully lean back is when you keep in mind that he doesn’t owe you anything. And the only way you can maintain that mindset is when you are not bound to him unnecessarily. You are as free as he is to do what you want. Win-win.
And another thing to remember is, do you know what the exclusivity trap is? It’s when you want him so badly, you get all excited at the thought to be exclusive with him only to find out he can only offer you crumbs. Haven’t you been in that situation before? What’s the lesson here? Yup, enjoy being non-exclusive with a guy you like so long as he hasn’t brought it up or shown with his actions because you get the cake and eat it (see the glass half full). It’s a curse to be exclusive with a guy who doesn’t treat you like a girlfriend. What’s the point? That’s why you should never bring up the exclusivity talk. A guy who wants you will make it so OBVIOUS no talk will be necessary (and the talk will only put you in the trap mentioned above).