It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve convinced myself I’m better off without you. It doesn’t matter how many men I’ve kissed, trying to erase the faintest trace left of your lips. It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve cleaned my room and the space I call my house. It doesn’t matter how many times my friends have tried to brush off every mention of you to make it hurt less, to make it more normal. It doesn’t matter how many nights I’ve slept without you. It doesn’t matter how many miles there are between us, or how many countries. At the end of the day, it just doesn’t matter, because I go to bed every night with a hole in my heart, where you used to be. The worst thing is, I know what I need to do, I just can’t find the strength in me to even start.
I need to go back to the places where we walked together, where we talked about life and the universe, and why I love dogs more than cats, I need to be able to walk on the beach by myself, or order my own Mexican order from our favorite restaurant, or read your favorite book, because I can’t, not yet. To tell you the truth, I need to be able to look at my couch and remember why I loved it at the store, because, right now, all I love about it, is that you liked the color.
I need to hear your name, enough times so it won’t hurt anymore. It’s funny, you know, I’ve always thought people were being dramatic when they said they would never be able to hear a name, or how they cross it off their baby name list because it can never be just a name now. I’ve told you how I found them ridiculous and how exaggerated that decision was, that is, until, I found myself turning so fast at the mention of your name, only to be disappointed, until, I couldn’t even type it on my computer. I realized I became one of them when your name hurt my heart and I would almost burst into tears.
I need to wake up and do the simplest of things, without thinking of you. It kills me that I don’t know how to live anymore, now that you’re gone. What kills me more is that I can’t remember what made me happy before it was you. I hope you know that I can’t even get out bed without this constant pain, this heavy heart that I can barely carry anymore. You probably don’t even think about me anymore or not as painful as I do, but I need to know how people rebuild themselves and find happiness in the simplest of things.
I need to remember who I was and what I wanted in life. Believe it or not, I was a different person before we met, I had goals and a job I would dream of getting and an apartment I would dream of buying and a city I would dream of moving to. Then, you happened and don’t get me wrong, I still held on to my dream board, but when I thought about us living in New York City, my god, I was smiling like an idiot. I need to remember why I set these goals for myself, I need to be excited about my life again, now that you’re not in it anymore.
I need to be able to look at you again. I loved you and I still do, because you never really stop loving someone, you just get better at dealing with the pain, until you don’t see them anymore and eventually go days and months without thinking about them until someone else notices how beautiful you are. I remember how happy I was, seeing you after a long day, picking me up in your beloved car or just sitting together on my couch, with comfort food. Believe me, I still feel the warmth of your smile, in my bones. We used to talk for hours about everything, we would have the strangest conversations, brush up on the most random topics because it was us because we could, and our chemistry was the best thing about us. A couple of months ago, you were my favorite person and I was yours. Now, I can barely look at you in the eyes and I can’t think of anything more painful than that.
I need to say goodbye, and truly accept that we won’t be in each other’s lives anymore. Our relationship taught me so many things, I truly grew as a person. I don’t even know who I was, before you came into my life, in a good way. I changed so much, and I owe all of it to you. Leaving you was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to do, I put it off for so long because I didn’t want to hurt you when all you did was make me happy. I didn’t want to blindside you like this, not when we spent so much time building the unwavering trust we had. You were my best friend; my whole life, and believe me, when I say that it wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t mine either. When we grew, it’s like we almost headed into different directions, at least for me. God, I remember it like it was yesterday, the way your face changed. I knew I broke your heart because I could see it, right there, in your eyes.
This is it, I guess. This is how I say thank you for these past three amazing years, filled with laughter, tears, smiles and Mexican food. This is how I wish you all the best because you deserve it so much. This is how I say sorry because I was unhappy and made you feel like it was your fault, it never was. This is how I tell you that all the women you’ll meet after me will see what I saw, a wonderful man. This is how I know that she will look at you the way you looked at me. This is what I will scroll through, in a couple of weeks when I wake up crying and miss you more than anything. This is what I’ll read when I’ll see you, across the street, kissing another woman’s cheek on a sunny Saturday afternoon. This is what I will come back to, when I’ll see you happy again, without me. This is how I say goodbye to you, to us and to what we could have been.