When Anxiety Calls The Shots

For as long as I can remember I’ve been anxious. I was and still am completely worried, insecure, and indecisive. I was the child that cried at every day decisions about whether or not to go to the grocery store with one parent or stay home with the other. I was in a constant state of worry and fear that I would choose wrong and miss out. I didn’t want to miss time, opportunities, fun, or excitement. It made my simple childish life tough on me. It’s hard living in a state of fear and worry.

Although I have gotten better at coping and handling those fears, they still exist. I still carry them every day. They are with me like another item I throw in my bottomless bag I swear is a purse. Doesn’t matter how many times I find it and toss it out, it will be back in there reminding me that we are one in the same, attached at the hip. Needless to say I still struggle. I might be able to choose something but sticking with it is next to impossible.

I seek approval and support from anyone and everyone around me. First I convince myself whether I am or am not sticking with someone or choosing it and then it becomes more difficult. I have to spend the time initially telling myself I can do it and that I want to and I make a list in my head of why. Slowly I begin telling people. Choosing carefully because I need the support, I might even pick strangers or mere acquaintances. I have to start building a team of people that believe in what I want and agree before I slowly start telling my loved ones, my closest friends, significant other, and eventually my family. Everything from here on out is make or break depending on the responses I receive.

I have maintained unhealthy relationships just because my loved ones like them. I thought maybe there’s something wrong with me and I am just doubtful. So I stay, and I am miserable, but I think to myself that it will work out because I’m supported. And in the same way when I find someone doesn’t like someone I love I start seeing the flaws that even though I knew existed, I loved and cherished. I let others’ opinions creep in and become my only thoughts. It’s like I am incapable of thinking for myself.

I really hate this part of myself, so much. It keeps me up at night, whispering my failures. It holds me back, strips away my confidence, and leaves me feeling lost and confused. It messes with every aspect of my life. It’s hard to feel comfortable in a relationship when you’re filled with self-doubt and wondering if you’re stupid for thinking they could ever love you. It tells you that you’re not ready for things when you thought you actually were. The people in my life give words of advice, insight, and helpful suggestions but all I hear is you can’t do it, you were wrong, and you’re so stupid.

So I guess what I am getting at is be mindful of what you say to people. You don’t know their thought process, problems, or inner workings of their minds. Some of us barely understand ourselves after two decades of life.