I’ll Still Love Myself Even When I Don’t Deserve It

Young woman portrait on the Burleigh Beach
Christopher Campbell / Unsplash

I shouldn’t love you, but I do.

I’ve tried not to. A million times.

Our relationship is complicated, littered with real and imagined hurt and pain.

I have loved you for years even though you don’t deserve it.

I have loved you most of all because you don’t deserve it.

I will love you no matter what you do.

It should be the perfect wedding vow, but it’s a privilege you diminish every day.

Love isn’t something I give freely to others, and I think it’s because I refuse to take it back from you.

If I did, I’d feel better. But I’d also feel less like me.

The love you haven’t shown me has made me softer than soft.

I throw kindness around like confetti.

The love you didn’t give me has made me independent and strong.

I have survived the worst of the worst. Rejection.

The love I wait for each and every day has taught me to hope and ask for more.

I know that I deserve better.

I will find it. I will wait.

Your love, or lack of love, has created something I love.

More than a shimmering sky full of stars.

More than the fresh scent of the ocean.

More than golden rays of sunshine finding my face on the coldest day.

More than anything worldly I’ve ever known.

Me.

I love me.

Everyone says I shouldn’t, I can’t, but I do.

I can hear them now.

It’s narcissism. It’s arrogance. It’s egotistical.

No.

It’s self-esteem. It’s confidence. It’s internal validation.

It’s peace.

I love me.

I love me even though I don’t always deserve it.

I love me precisely because I don’t always deserve it.

I love me no matter what I do.

Unconditional.

Unwavering.

All consuming.

Never ending.

I love me how I’m supposed to love another.

It’s how I know what love can really be. Transformation.

Loving you gives me permission to love me too.

From your imperfection to mine.

From your wonder to mine.

From your soul to mine.

Thank you.

I love you. TC mark

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