Beyonce and Jay-Z are getting a divorce! Or they’re not, who knows. Either way, the pop news cycle is going to talk about it for at least a year, possibly 3 or more if Rihanna is involved or if Solange decides to kick off again (please God, let Solange kick off again). In anticipation of the coming World War Bey-Z: Divorce-pocalypse, I’ve started thinking about who would be good enough for Beyonce to date, because let’s face it, she’s too perfect for almost everyone. Jay-Z could date a shoe and it wouldn’t be weird, but Beyonce has evolved into an entity that is so far beyond human comprehension, it’s going to be difficult for her to “get back on the horse”, not that Beyonce would ever use an analogy that gross to talk about dating.
1. Idris Elba
Idris and Bey already played the perfect married couple in this century’s greatest masterpiece, Obsessed, so it’s easy enough to picture the pair together. Add to that Idris’ DCI Loofa (Luther) persona and the fact that he is the most handsome living man on the planet, and you’ve got a worthy bedfellow for Beyonce. I mean, wouldn’t you prefer to imagine Beyonce grinding on Idris Elba’s wood than (shudder) Jay-Z’s?
I know Wolverine isn’t real but neither is Beyonce, and her X-Men powers are self-replenishment and lightning fast reflexes already, so they’d have a lot in common. Wolverine is also surly and hates everyone except his woman and maybe one or two close friends (Solange, Blue Ivy), so he’d not only protect Bey and her family with his life, she’d be the most special thing in his world, and considering Bey likes being the most special thing in the world generally, I think he’d make her pretty happy.
3. Meryl Streep
Meryl Streep, like Beyonce, has evolved into the perfect idea of a person, so when my good friend Alida (The Frenemy) suggested her as a potential future mate for Bey, everything clicked into place. Serene, wise, and very floaty, Meryl Streep would be the perfect balance for Bey’s aggressive ambition.
4. Tom Ford
I know Tom Ford is happily married, but let’s pretend he’s not for argument’s sake. I also know he’s gay, but show me a gay man who wouldn’t date Beyonce and I will happily eat several large hats. Tom Ford is handsome, and impeccably stylish, never seen on an “off” day, just like Bey. Plus, it would really rub salt in Jay-Z’s wounds if Bey wound up with a man he idolized enough to write a song about.
5. Liam Neeson
Because Liam Neeson is the best (saves daughter, fights wolves, is a jedi, Love Actually etc.), and Liam Neeson deserves happiness.