Kim Kardashian seems like she could be a horrible person. I can’t say she is a horrible person definitively, but I would be willing to wager money on it. I imagine she’s at least horrible enough that I wouldn’t want to be friends with her in any context, unless maybe if she paid me a solid lump of tax free cash with the addendum that my boyfriend could have one free punch at her crazy boyfriend/fiance/Yeezus’s face.
But even though I cast aspersions on Kimmy K’s character, I’m still pretty obsessed with her right now. And I have to say, in the scheme of being obsessed with a celebrity who seems like they’re pretty shittty, being obsessed with Kim sort of pales in comparison to the obsession people have with the Woodys, R Kellys, Chris Browns and Polanskis of the world. But I digress. Here are 5 reasons why you too should be obsessed with Kim Kardashian right now.
1. Her Hair
I know homegirl probably has at home salon visits every day, but her hair game is on lock (geddit?!) right now I just want to shave off all my own hair and sell it to a merkin-maker, that’s how unworthy my mane feels when I look at Kim’s. No matter how she does it–ombre, all blonde, brunette, wavy, straight, side part, middle part–it always looks bouncy and shiny. I dream of Kim Kardashian’s hair. I want to take a photo of Kim Kardashian’s hair to my super trendy Williamsburg hairdresser, and I only feel semi-ashamed about it, and definitely not ashamed enough to not do it. Oh Kim Kardashian’s hair, why must you be upon Kim Kardashian’s head?!
2. Her Goddamned Body
Kim is basically Elizabeth Banks’ character in What To Expect When You’re Expecting i.e. she was not a cute little pixie with skinny legs and a big round belly who never broke a sweat but instead walked around with an effervescent glow when she was pregnant. Kim had what I like to call a “regular” pregnancy, with lots of cankles and uncontrollable flatulence, and hasn’t been afraid to talk about it publicly–not that she’s afraid to talk about anything publicly, but this might be the one thing that Kim’s said out loud that is beneficial for people to hear.
Post pregnancy, her body isn’t the same as it used to be, but Kim’s embracing it nonetheless and if you’re anything like me you will DIE and curse your tiny frame to hell every time you see her gorgeously huge booty in a photo.
3. Her Baby
Weirdly enough, motherhood really suits Kim. It often keeps me awake at night when I think her mothering role model was Kris “Hey Daughter, Do A Sex Tape” Jenner, but Kim appears like a natural with North West, even if that is a stupid name. Weirder still, Kim doesn’t accessorize with North West in her photos (the way say, Beyonce does with Blue Ivy, also a stupid name) but just looks like a mother that really loves being with her baby. It’s absurdly heartwarming.
4. Her Outfits
Judging by Kim’s recent spate of glamorous outfit choices, I’d say it’s high time Kanye West quit his career in music and just becomes a full time stylist. Whoever is dressing Kim right now KNOWS how to make a curvaceous woman look both fashionable and like a deliciously hot tamale.
5. Her Relationship
Saying “I’m not sure about Kanye West as a person” would be a massive understatement. However awful Kim Kardashian might be, I’m confident that the man who has dubbed himself Yeezus is much, much worse. That aside, the two of them look SO happy together I want to punch myself in the face. It’s almost surreal to look at these two horrible people being horribly in love and horribly happy together. Just try to purge any memory you have of the “Bound 2” video (the trauma centre of my brain censored that memory for me almost immediately after watching).