Never Cry While You’re Naked

If you’re naked in the presence of another person, and feel the urge to cry, you only need to ask yourself one question: did you just get pushed out of a vagina? Because being born was your one and only opportunity to cry while naked. The moment has passed. Let it go.

The only addendum to this is that it’s perfectly swell to naked cry when you’re alone in the shower BUT said naked cry must involve you placing a fist or your forehead against the shower wall OR slowly sinking to the floor of the shower and holding your knees as you sit in the corner and sob. All shower crying must be epic and played out as though it was being filmed for a movie, otherwise there’s pretty much no point and you’re wasting your sadness on boring non-cinematic crying.

Naked crying in the presence of a sex partner, also possibly naked, however, is the dumbest shit you can do. I know because I’ve done it and I’ve had in done in front of me. Absolutely no one in the world wants to deal with both a used condom and a blubbering snot monster in their bed. Both of these things should be discreetly wrapped in a tissue, and thrown on the floor to be dealt with at a later, more clothed time. Your naked body, and the indecent things you use it to do with your partner, should be joyful. You don’t want to start associating tears with your tatas.

More importantly though, you feel extra vulnerable when you’re nude. Literally every part of you is laid bare, and if you start throwing emotions out there too, you’re going to start feeling as though you’ve been skinned alive and strung up on display. Don’t do it to yourself. Don’t put yourself in the position where you have nothing at around you under which to take cover, because it’s at these moment that your darkest demons stir, and in their demonic way see the opportunity to wreak absolute havoc upon your mental state.

If you need to cry because of something that’s happening while you’re disrobed, take a second to get your butt up and out of bed and into some clothing. Or at least wrap a sheet around yourself. Dignify yourself enough to take control of these situations, and use the rationality that comes with being dressed to avert an emotionally naked meltdown. Plus, it’s always easier to articulate what you feel when you’re not also worrying about how your tit looks with snot dripping onto it.