How To Give A Hand Job (A Guide For Straight Girls)

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It’s been long since established that I think a woman giving a handjob is absolute madness. It’s basically the stupidest, most useless sex act a woman can do, because she’s never going to jerk a dick as well as the man attached to it. That’s just a plain factual analysis of the wanker playing field. And yet–there’s nary a man who won’t take a woman’s hand and put it on his penis at some point or another in the course of their sexual interactions. There are even women who are so bold as to go for the ol’ tug themselves (braver women than I). So here are some tips for giving a handjob, from one straight girl to all the other straight girls.

1. Spit On Your Hand

I was having this conversation with an uncircumcised male friend the other night–in American movies, there’s often a lot of lubricant around during masturbation scenes. We both agreed that, as people who grew up outside the US, this was weird to us, because all the dicks around us were already pre-lubricated–all the foreskin really is is a rubbing bag wrapped around a penis. So girls, when you’re hand to knob with a circumcised penis, spit on your hand. There’s nothing worse than trying to give a dry handjob where there are no moving parts to help you. And I imagine there’s nothing worse for the dude than receiving one.

2. Or Don’t Spit On Your Hand

But then again, like I mentioned already, if there’s a dickbag (aka foreskin) helping you out, then you probably won’t be needing any extra lubrication, and you might just look like a weird freak spitting all over the place.

3. Hold It Firmly

Don’t be a pansy–grip that dick! I guess you want to try and mimic the tightness of a vagina. Probably not a virgin vagina, but you know, one that fits cock in it fairly easily, but not too easily.a

4. But Not Too Tight!

Apparently however, there is such a thing as too tight. I mean, you don’t want to stop the blood flow to the poor little carpet snake. You need to hold that thing with equal parts delicacy and firmness–think of it as your liquid eyeliner. If you’re holding it with white knuckles you’re going to get a fat, overdone line, but if you’re holding it like a feather between your thumb and forefinger the line’s going to be wobbly. Yes, I just analogized handjobs to liquid eyeliner (because obviously putting on makeup is something all women can relate to, amirite girls, LOL?!)

5. Don’t Go Too Fast

This makes no sense to me, because a guy will stick his dick in you and pump you like its a race to create a new world record for thrusts per second, but he won’t like it when you wank him off at the same speed. Note to any guys reading this: You’re really fucking confusing us on the speed thing. Vaginas = fast, but wanks = not so fast.

6. But Don’t Go Too Slow Either

Once a guy complains that you’re wanking him too fast, the next thing that will happen is that you will start wanking him too slow. IS THERE NO GOD?!?!

7. Prepared To Be Psychologically Scarred By The Process

There are so many contradictions involved in giving a handjob, and you’re probably going to go totally mad in the process of giving one. Between too wet and not wet enough, too fast and not fast enough, and too tight and not tight enough, there’s almost no way to find a balance. My best advice is to resign yourself to the fact that you will never give a perfect handjob, and take the handjob cue as an opportunity to distract the motherfucker trying to make you give him one with a blowjob instead. Now that, you can excel in. TC mark

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