Obviously, being single is awesome. You can sleep as spread eagled as you like, you can go months without waxing and you don’t have any obligation to contact anyone all the time. You can just do you whenever and however you want. That’s pretty addictive. There are some moments, however, when I feel like I’m really missing out by being single. They are as follows.
1. There’s no one to reach things in high places
This probably isn’t so much of an issue say, if you’re more than 5”5, but I’m 5”1 and I can’t even reach my light fittings to change the bulbs when I’m standing on a step ladder. At times like these I daydream about the sexy 6”4 that I could have in my life, fulfilling all my highest height needs.
2. There’s no one to open jars
As well as being short I am extremely weak. It’s not a woman thing, obviously, but it’s a me thing for sure. And given that generally, dudes are good at things like opening jars, I wouldn’t mind having one around to help me out when my matchstick arms buckle under the resistance of a pickle jar lid. That way the jar of pickles I bought 6 months ago wouldn’t still be sitting at the back of the fridge, with me periodically pulling it out to hit its head against the counter, run it under hot water, or stab up under the lid with the tip of a knife. I just want the damn pickles; is that too much to ask?
3. You don’t get to have sex all the time
Sometimes I think it must be nice to just wake up every day and get laid first thing. And also last thing before bed. And of course pre dinner sex. And post dinner. And all the sex you do when you’re in a relationship. I miss having my own personal sex slave, or at least one that has consciousness and isn’t made out of blue plastic.
4. You have to go on dates
Well, you don’t HAVE to go on dates, but chances are, if you’re single, you will go on dates or at least a date, at some point. And we all know that most dates are absolutely horrible. Unless you’re a total jerk wad, being in a relationship means an end to dating, which sounds something like the rapture–a very pleasant thing for the worthy, but perhaps a complete lie.
5. You have to fight murderers alone
If murderers break into your house in the middle of the night, if you’re single you have to fight them alone. I’m not saying I don’t stand a chance, I’m just saying a team of two is stronger than a team of one, and if I’m going to be fighting murderers in the middle of the night, I wouldn’t mind some back up.
6. It’s so much harder to cook for one
Shopping and cooking for one is a challenge, because you don’t want to wind up with a bunch of food that goes bad (the plague of the singleton). Generally, I just end up cooking–and eating–for two anyway.
7. You will ALWAYS get cat called
There’s some weird man-man-man chest-beaty thing that stops asshole cat callers from cat calling you when you’re with a dude (not all the time, but most of the time). I’ve walked down the same street, past the same cat callers, on the same day, the first time without a dude, the second time with one, and been cat called by them only when alone. While it would be a dream to rid the streets of cat calling forever, a temporary bandaid seems to be “get a boyfriend” which as I type it, I realize how stupid it sounds and bleak it all really is.
8. No one is obliged to lend you their shit when yours breaks
My computer charger broke and I’m currently waiting for a new one I ordered online to be delivered. I have the screen turned down to “barely visible” and I’m leaning into it typing this like an old lady driving a Volvo. I’ve been taking it to friends’ houses in between to recharge it, and as my married friend so sagely pointed out last night “One of the best things about having a husband is having a spare charger.”