I’m not one to tell women what to do. Except for right now. Right now I am about to tell women what to do. Because sometimes women try to make “fashion statements” based on what they saw Kylie Jenner or Elle Fanning (or on the flip side, Rita Ora or Cara Delevingne) wearing in a tabloid; but worn out of context i.e. not in the private celebrity section at Coachella or the tarmac next to a private jet in Hawaii, they just end up looking like, well, Miley Cyrus with a sudden penchant for Forever21 “grunge” paraphernalia.
So I guess this is less about telling women what to do and more about assisting women in not spending hundreds of dollars on frivolous, stupid trends that just make everyone look like giant asshats. Even the pop stars/models/actresses/waifs you see wearing some of these trends can’t pull them off. To be clear, I’m not talking about having kooky or unconventional style–I mean, girl, you can rock anything if you own it, a la Tilda Swinton or Helena Bonham Carter–I’m talking about the dumb high street trends that we’re allowing to own us. So really, this is about feminism.
Before you put on a body chain ask yourself, “Am I Rihanna?” If the answer is “No”, do not put it on. Simple.
Anything that can be described as “Seapunk”
If there is one trend of recent years that I absolutely abhor, it’s seapunk. I’d advocate rocking hipster bell bottom jeans like Britney circa “Slave 4 U” any day over this absolutely ridiculous trend, because nothing screams “I am an individual! But please DEFINE ME!” more than hive-mind genre dressing du jour. To all you clowns out there wearing green lipstick and hair mascara: let it go, your look sucks. Wear what YOU like; not what Tumblr tells you is sah kewl right now.
Lacy ankle socks
I guess I never understood that whole American Apparel Lolita thing (although I feel like it could be dying now, right?), because Lolita was a little girl who suffered sexual and emotional abuse at the hands of her sick stepdad, and I can’t rationalize why any woman would hold that story or character up to fashion icon status. But alas, Dov Charney happened and for a while the sexualization of pre-pubescence was popularized by the ambiguously aged girls on American Apparel billboards. I still see girls walking around wearing those little lacy fold down socks which I distinctly recognize as being my favorites when I was five, and I wonder why, when the world insists on infantilizing women so frequently, we’re so forthcoming about allowing it to do so.
Fake Christian Louboutins
If you can’t afford high fashion, don’t buy a knock off. Buy something nice and well made in your own price range. Those Christian Louboutin fakes you see in all the cheap stores on Broadway reek of lies–shiny ass pu leather will always look like shiny ass pu leather. And girl, I see you; you can barely walk in those unstable stilts! One thing I have learned about a well made pair of shoes (not necessarily expensive) and shitty made in China knock-offs is that while you might think same same, the comfort level and durability is most definitely different.
How anyone ever convinced you to wear pants that make you look as though you’re disguising an adult diaper is beyond me. How these are still for sale on the high street is even more of a mystery. Unless, of course, there is a large percentage of the female population actually wearing adult diapers, which would make harem pants incredibly practical and warrant a sincere apology from me.
Shirts with bits
Stop vajazzling your clothes. Since when wasn’t a shirt just a shirt? Why do all shirts now have studded bits, jewelled bits, contrast pockets, cut outs, leather sleeves, lace backs; WHY CAN’T I JUST GET A GODDAMN SHIRT?! Coco Chanel said to look in the mirror and take off one thing before leaving the house, and I suggest the same philosophy be forthwith applied to anyone designing a shirt to be sold at Topshop et al.
Crop tops are the sole territory of 19 year old girls. Women who are grasping at 30 ought to know better–unless they’ve got this innate, classy Solange vibe happening, with a perfectly executed symphony of colors, high waisted bottoms and matching blazer. Unfortunately most crop tops are just that–crop tops–with none of the vintage Hollywood chic that was intended for them and all of the grasping-at-the-trend-straw madness that comes with such impractical things.
I am so reluctant to put this on here, because I love rompers. But they do look stupid. Like you’re a enormous baby with an exceptionally long ass.
Dresses you have to keep tugging at the hem of
Back on the 19 year old girl thing, skin tight, cunt scraping dresses of which you must constantly be pulling down the hem lest you expose the world to your lunch, are theirs and theirs alone. It’s not that you’re ever “too old” for a certain type of dress in an aesthetic sense, but when you are older comfort becomes more of a priority, I think. I mean, fucked if I can be bothered worrying about my butt cheeks hanging out the bottom of my dress when I can be worrying about other things like, say, how the music in this bar is far too loud or oh my God it’s 10pm already I have to get home and get to bed!
Things with cut outs
I am very sick of picking up a cute top, getting all excited, then turning it over to find… it has no back. No sides or shoulders either. The insanity of cutting parts out of clothes has reached fever pitch, but a word from the wise (aka someone who adored cut-outs 3 years ago), you’re never going to wear a floral peplum dress with half a midriff more than once because after the first time you’ll probably have the epiphany that you look truly stupid in your poorly fitting, underboob exposing dress. Moreover, you look irresponsible in the cold.
Any color tights that aren’t black
As per body chains, ask yourself, “Am I Blair Waldorf in the first two seasons of Gossip Girl?” if the answer is “No”, do not wear. Simple. Unless of course you want to be forever identified as an Etsy aficionado. In which case, go forth boldly you zany crafter!
Apparently Nike flip flops with socks are having a renaissance. I know right? You look like a Floridian tourist at Disney Land i.e. NOT CHIC. I do not accept “irony” as an excuse for doing anything this perverse either; there is no mercy.