This is the incredible grossness of being: the simple fact that by virtue of being a human, you are gross. For whatever prudish reason, society gives us a great dose of shame regarding the things our bodies do naturally. Excretion, gas, phlegm; if your body does it, it’s probably considered disgusting by everyone, probably even by you yourself.
Every day we are all just walking around as belching, farting, snotty balls of flesh and blood and guts, and oftentimes those inherently disgusting bodily functions are amplified and made grosser still by the way we react to them. Some of the things we do on a daily basis are mere reflex after years of habit, but many also born out of a perverse inclination to be fascinated by the tiny, mundane grossities of the human body. Here are 5 things most people do every day (and don’t get all incredulous and pretend like you don’t, because you do) that are objectively pretty gross:
1. Looking At Poop
Oh, I don’t just mean a peripheral glance at it when you’re going to flush. I mean a close, prolonged examination. You can’t poop without checking out the paper post wipe–that would be blasphemous–to see if you managed to do a clean one (and if you did, high fives all around!). Nor can you hope to know if the food you’re eating is working for you without sticking your nose in the bowl and dissecting exactly what is going on down there on the porcelain.
2. Smelling Your Fingers
Which leads me to the next gross thing–smelling your fingers after scratching your butt or genitals. Generally favored during swamp ass season, I’d say a majority of people will never admit this, but there’s a general and far-reaching curiosity concerning what one’s junk smells like. Especially if you’re on your way to a date.
3. Eating Things From Unorthodox Places
Obviously everyone has stood in front of the fridge gnawing at a block of cheese and wondering if they should attack the salami or that old jar of pickled onions next, but people, especially when alone, will eat things from a surprising array of surfaces. To put it in perspective, I have eaten things that have fallen out of their wrappers in the fridge, things that have fallen on the ground (both home and street), things that have fallen on my chair at a restaurant, things that got stuck in my hair, things that have fallen on my boobs, things I have found in my bra, hours after eating, things I have found in my bed, again, hours after eating, and so on and so forth.
4. Picking At Things
Noses are the clear winner here, and let’s be real, most people don’t even have the common decency or patience to do this in private. Next time you’re on the subway, look around you, and count how many people you see nose picking over the course of your journey. See also: dry lips, other dry skin, scabs, ingrown hairs, nails (nail gunk is also a commonly sniffed item), in between teeth (at which point I refer you to the above, whereby one would pick at teeth, and then eat food remnants that were picked out).
5. Huffing On Your Own Fart
To paraphrase one of favorite sayings of all time, everyone loves the smell of their own brand.