Do you enjoy a challenge? Are you too happy? Do you require more dissatisfaction in your life? Would you like a Rear Window style life makeover? Are you embarrassed of your self-confidence in social situations? Never fear, here are some types of people you can compare yourself to in order to realize how unattainable the things you want truly are!
If you’re sick of being just another nobody, forced to live in relative anonymity, who better than celebrities to make you realize the true failures of your life. They’re “just people too” and they managed to pull themselves out of obscurity without an ounce of luck, unnatural good looks, epic talent, ruthless self exploitation, hard work or knowing the right people. I mean, Jennifer Lawrence just went to her crappy local mall and got “discovered”! What have YOU done lately?
2. People In Relationships
If you are single get on Facebook immediately to remind yourself exactly how lonely you are. Look at photos of all your happily coupled and married friends, and think about how much of a gross cat lady you are and how you’re going to be alone forever. If that’s not motivation to date just about anyone just for the sake of human contact I don’t know what is!
3. Single People
If you are in a relationship get on Facebook immediately to remind yourself exactly how boring you are. Look at photos of all your happily single friends doing body shots in Ibiza, and think about how for the rest of your life all you have to look forward to is constant compromise, bed sharing and probably getting really dumpy after you have kids. If that’s not motivation for adultery I don’t know what is!
4. Rich People
Feeling poor today? Why not make yourself feel even poorer by reading Vogue and lamenting that $500,000 bag you can’t afford. That’s actually a BARGAIN, so you should feel pretty fucking shit about yourself that you can’t afford it.
5. People Who Are Achieving Your Dreams
Want a book deal? Don’t have one? Troll everyone that does! It’s important when you want something for yourself to spend more time focused on the people that already have it than doing what you need to get it for yourself.
There is nothing worse than a person who is trying to make a living for themselves and trying to scrape together monthly rent. Disgusting! You are basically the most selfish person that ever lived because you are not currently in a Third World country building homes and wells for the needy. For shame!
7. People With More Twitter Followers Than You
Because Twitter is the ultimate meritocracy, you should definitely continue to hate yourself as long as there is anyone with more followers than you.
8. Skinny People
If you spend more time doing anything other than exercising and starving yourself then you’re absolutely kidding, fat ass. Who needs a life or a healthy physical and mental state when you could be deathly skinny? Make sure you compare yourself to at least 6 unrealistically skinny people a day just so you can remember all your physical inadequacies (no one likes a person who is comfortable with themselves anyway).
Can you do a triple front flip while twirling ribbons and then finish in the splits? Didn’t think so.
10. Bus Drivers
At least you’re not a bus driver right? I mean there’s no way that person could be happy with their job or have a nice life beyond that, everything must fucking suck for them, what a loser. Unfortunately however, now you’re feeling too cocky; please Goggle “Kate Moss” to bring yourself back to reality.