Going on a first date is supposed to be fun, but instead it’s one uninspired wardrobe montage away from ultimate spinsterhood. I’ve had first dates where: I’ve ranted about Katy Perry until the dude put me in a cab, alone; I’ve put too much meat in my mouth and had to spit it into a napkin at the dinner table; and one where the guy was racist against “Asians”.
I constantly ask my cat, “How, HOW, is it, that something so simple, is SO HARD!” while exasperatedly waving arms in the air and wearing the quintessential female singleton uniform of hair rollers, green clay face mask and martini glass, booze sloshing out the side (in my head shrieking “Don’t waste the booze you silly bitch it’s all you have!”). So here’s how, after lots of really horrific disasters, you’re supposed to survive first dates.
Make time to shower before a date. If it’s an after work date, make it late enough that you can get your ass home and wash your damn feet and genitals before you go to dinner or drinks. This is a pretty good way to ensure you at least start your date off with some kind of dignity.
2. Don’t Wear White
You are going to get food on you. Who the fuck do you think you are anyway, Miley Cyrus on the twerk? No, you are Regular Moron Who Spills Food On Themselves.
3. Hold Off On The Weird Stuff
I’m all for “being yourself” (unless you’re one or all of either prejudiced, mean or in a band), but if the first thing someone gets from you is an hour long rant on the merits of Katy Perry as a feminist and pop icon (as above), I promise you, you’re off to a really, really bad start.
4. Don’t Cry (Unless Something Really, Really Bad Happens)
There is no reason to be crying on a first date unless something really profound happens (like I dunno, death), and I don’t mean profound like you stubbed your toe on the way to the bathroom or you started reminiscing about your ex and how much they hurt you. Even if you have your period or just a super bad week, try to be emotionally stable for at least the 3-4 odd hours of this date.
5. Do Not Be A Know It All
My mum asked me to include this one. Apparently, if someone is factually wrong about something, instead of bluntly telling them the correct fact, you’re supposed to be more like, “Oh, I don’t know if I’m right or not, but I think it might really be like this actually…” Who knew one could be so polite to idiots.
6. Watch Breaking Bad
To break the ice, or if you’re starting to run out of conversation, be up to date with all the most relevant TV, movies, articles and books, so you’ll at least be able to have a semi-interesting pseudo intellectual conversation about something aside from the weather. Unlock the cheat: you don’t even need to spend time watching everything, just read associated Tweets and at least one review/recap and you’re good to go.
7. Tread Lightly
8. Don’t Be A Fucking Weirdo About Your Ex
Probably don’t talk about your ex excessively, maybe try not to bring up the ex at all, but if a story requires you to say “my ex boyfriend/girlfriend,” for instance, “I was once mugged in Romania with my ex boyfriend” THAT’S OK. The person you’re on a date with ALREADY KNOWS you have dated other people, this will not make them think you’re some kind of past boyfriend having slut, splash a full drink in your face and storm out. You’re good.
9. Have Sex, Or Don’t Have Sex, Whatever
There is absolutely no rules about what you should do regarding sex. That’s about all I have to say about that.
10. Have Fun
Basically, forget everything I said above (except the sex thing. And the wearing white thing), because the number one thing you should be doing on your first date is having fun. Remember, every first date could potentially be your last ever first date (can I get an “awwww” up in here?!). Consider every first date as your last night before a potentially excruciatingly long prison sentence–try not to be a bummer, order the lobster, and have a fucking great time.