I am a firm believer in the value of a solid fuck buddy. People tell me it can’t be done — that there’s no such thing as a successfully functioning fuck buddy situation — because there’s always “feelings”, but to that I say “Shut your crap holes, naysayers!” Having “feelings” is, in part, essential to holding down a consistent and reliable booty call; without them, you might as well just masturbate. A lot of people think that in order to have a primarily sexual relationship one must divorce themselves from all emotion but what you really need to divorce yourself from is the irrationality that comes with having emotions, so basically, don’t be that crazy asshole that sends seventy billion text messages in a row when you don’t get an answer to the first one. It’s a very delicate, possibly vaguely sociopathic, ecosystem you need to cultivate.
I’ve entered into my second year of fuck buddy bliss with the same guy. Before him, I had a year long “friend with benefits” who, admittedly, was more of a series of trials and errors that gave me all the skills I’ve needed to carry out a successful non-relationship relationship situation i.e. I got completely crazy about my feelings which put a rift in the time/space continuum of our feckless love-making, essentially creating a large black hole that sucked me in, killing all the fun. From my learnings, here are the four primary elements needed to reign over fuck buddy-dom:
1. Like Each Other
When I first met the guy that I’ve had the pleasure of pleasuring without commitment for the past year and a bit, I really liked him. We went on a date. We still go on dates. Actually, he’s one of the most fun people to hang out with–we eat, get drunk, talk about absolutely everything and anything you can think of, hopes, dreams and childhood hangups and other deep shit inclusive, then we shag all night. I mean, it’s no fun to screw someone you don’t like. Have you ever had sex with someone you don’t like? That falls easily into the realm of the most depressing things you can do, along with cry-wanking and eating still half-frozen tater tots because you couldn’t wait for them to cook through properly, and it’s Saturday night and you’re home alone not wearing pants and watching reality TV while picking out toenail gunk and smelling your fingers afterwards.
The thing is, fundamentally, I think we both see an irreconcilable difference in the other that stops us from attempting entry into the bat shit insane world of an actual relationship. This is the fabric of the perfect fuck buddy–someone who has a character trait either so damaged, or so foreign, or so repulsive to you, there’s no way you could see past it and into an ongoing committed partnership with them. Basically, your perfect fuck buddy is that incredibly charming but mental person you met when you were 22 and because you were too young/stupid/reckless/daring to look at the situation objectively, you fell wildly in love, fucked your guts out, and had it all end in a mish-mash of drunk crying/frighting on the street at 3am, gonorrhea, being cheated on with your best friend and/or having your eyebrows shaved off in your sleep while you were robbed blind. This is the exact person that makes the perfect fuck buddy.
2. Objectify Each Other Sexually
Well duh. This goes without saying. You must want to, and be prepared to, at any and all times, screw the fuck out of the other person. Keep in mind, however, that a fuck buddy shouldn’t be fucked more than once a week, and if you do do it more than once a week, you then need to put at least a month of distance between you to make up for the accidental intimacy of closely repeated time together. Arbitrary time rules are you best friend in fuck buddy land. Sometimes my dude and I go 2 weeks without seeing each other, sometimes 3 months; not having an expectation that you will see the other person with any sort of regularity or schedule is intrinsically linked to your ability to keep your feelings in check. But still; you should be up for tearing each other’s clothes off at a moment’s notice.
3. Be Free Of Inhibition
I’ve done more weird shit with my fuck buddy than anyone I’ve ever been in love with. Is that strange? I don’t know. What I do know is that when you’re sleeping with someone casually, you need to check your judgement, and your inhibitions at the door. My fuck buddy is the first and only person I’ve ever masturbated in front of for instance — having a fuck buddy means you get to do all the awesome filthy pervert shit you’ve probably been too self-conscious to try before. You’re not fucking this person to impress them, or because you’re falling in love with them — you’re fucking them because your cells have morphed into pure horn and whatever hang ups you have can transform into absolute, bottom shelf smut, if that’s what you’re into.
4. Care About Each Other
I don’t mean you need to hold each other and stare into one another’s eyes meaningfully, or be there to field random phone calls about shitty days at work, but if you don’t have a basic level of care in your fuck buddy relationship then you can expect it all to go to hell very quickly. This includes, but is not limited to: openly communicating if you’re tied up with someone else (i.e. do not try to have your cake and eat it too), not knowingly giving the other person STDs (fuck buddy 101: always use protection), being aware at all times that the arrangement you have doesn’t give you carte blanche to be the world’s biggest douche, and making sure you’re both satisfied from your sexual encounters. It would be easy enough to wipe your hands clean and treat the other person like a hole to stick your shit in, or a stick to ride, but never forget there’s a person attached to the orifice/appendage you’re using for your pleasure, and that you shouldn’t omit to practice basic human decency just because you’ve scored yourself some no strings attached sex.