Thought Catalog

Well Yeah I’m A Woman Now, But I’m Definitely Not, Like, A Proper Adult Grown Up Or Anything

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When Britney Spears sang “I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman” I was 16 years old, and I totally got it. I understood every word, and I wanted to shout it to the world; “Be patient with me, be kind,” I wanted to say, “but trust me, please because I’m old enough to know what I’m doing, even though I might not be old enough to know where that will take me.”

I’m 27 now, and I sort of wish someone would write a similar song for how I feel now, something along the lines of, “Well Yeah I’m A Woman Now, But I’m Definitely Not, Like, A Proper Adult Grown Up Or Anything.” Because that’s just as equally a frustrating feeling to try to articulate; of being on the brink of something, but not wholly understanding what that thing is and remaining apprehensive about diving in to find out.

Technically, I’ve been a woman since I was 11, that ripe old child bearing age when spots of blood appeared on my underpants for the first time and I ran into my mother’s arms sobbing, “I don’t want to be a woman, mommy!”

But I guess emotionally I began to count as a woman somewhere in the grey area of my mid-20s, when I was no longer satisfied with being a girl; when I’d been in love and after that; when I was earning my own money; when I started really formulating solid ideas about the things I believed in and when I began to realize that I don’t actually have all the answers, and that I very probably have none of them; when I was literally out in the world by myself, holding my own against… well, everything.

There are more things than that to which I hold my womanhood, and I assume and hope that each young woman has her own defining moments and achievements that make her feel worthy of outgrowing the role of girl in order to begin a later chapter. But here’s the confounding thing I’ve found about being a woman: it doesn’t exactly make you a proper adult grown up, or anything.

For the first time in your life, as a woman, you’re clueless. We all know girls have all the answers. And I mean. Every. Single. One. Don’t try and tell a girl she doesn’t because you’re not ready for the ultimate sass of a girl disagreed with. When you’re a woman it’s different. You suddenly have absolutely no notion of anything. You begin to pick your battles and your mind begins to open to the possibility that yes, you are wrong, sometimes. Maybe all the time, even. What’s “right,” anyway?

When you become a woman, nothing and everything is possible. You’re aware of your shortcomings in a different way than a girl is, but you haven’t come to peace with them the way a proper adult grown up is supposed to. You begin to shed your girlish insecurities but you begin to pick up new ones like will I have this career I want and will I be able to have babies at the same time and oh no, it looks like my vagina wants to start with the technical difficulties and ouch, these mammograms really hurt. You suppose that proper adult grown ups don’t have any insecurities at all — they’re rational and strong and deal with each blow as it’s dealt.

You know you’re on the cusp of something, there in the middle of your womanhood. Part of you is groping backwards for the girl, doing shots at the bar at 3 a.m., kissing the bad boys, reading moodily in cafes downing coffee after coffee, writing too many things about too many feelings, and spending too many credit card dollars on too many shoes.

But the other part — that’s the part that’s reaching forward. The part that tells you to eat better, take responsibility for your environment, go for that run, be objective about your white girl problems and meet a man that is good and kind and that understands and embraces your tumultuous, indefinable feminine personality.

It’s scary to think that the proper adult grown up is closing in. That less irresponsible decisions will have to be made, that if I want to be the sort of proper grown up I want to be, I’ll have to leave little bits and pieces of this reckless, piss-into-the-wind young woman scattered along the path behind me.

I couldn’t bring the girl with me, even though I can look back and see her clear as if it were yesterday, smoking in the toilet stalls and dying her hair pink. She taught me so much. And so I won’t be able to bring this young woman I am now with me, even though I’ve learned a lot from her, too. I’ll bottle her frenetic energy, her consuming existential battles, her absolute sincerity and probably, one day, will laugh at even this that I’m writing now, because proper adult grown ups are wise and jolly, and I guess see life as this beautiful, ridiculous mess that all you can do is shrug at and carry on loving.

So maybe we need a song to define this time. Songs are good at that, even if they are silly pop songs; they still speak to us in blindingly obvious terms, which, for the most part, is as comforting a luxury as we can be sometimes afforded. TC mark

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    • http://stretchesoftedium.wordpress.com Aviva

      I totally understand. I’m at the same place as you.

    • Lacey

      27!! Your not only a woman, you are approaching middle age. Act like it for Christ sake. Such friggin whiners on this blog.

      • meg

        haha 27 isnt approaching middle age… who told you that?

      • Amy

        By your use of “friggin” I can only assume you’re in the 14-17 girl bracket. In that case, you are absolutely right! About everything! All the time! Enjoy it while you can…

    • The Smile Scavenger

      Well, I haven’t got a song for you, but here’s a quote that might help (or make it even more confusing):

      “But the adult is not the highest stage of development. The end of the cycle is that of the independent, clear-minded, all-seeing Child[…] Why do the enlightened seem filled with light and happiness like children? Why do they sometimes even look and talk like children? Because they are. The wise are Children Who Know.” – The Tao of Pooh

      • https://thoughtcatalog.com/author/jenna-coy/ JennaCoy

        Caaaaaalm :) I didn’t take it as whining… seems like she is just searching for answers and admitting her vulnerabilities. I think that’s admirable!

        • The Smile Scavenger

          I didn’t think she was whining either..? Confused. My post wasn’t meant negatively at all. It was more “not a total adult isn’t so bad a way to be”.

      • https://thoughtcatalog.com/author/jenna-coy/ JennaCoy

        Oopsie… this was supposed to go above to Lacey :)

        • The Smile Scavenger

          Oh, haha. Yes, she should take a chill pill*

          *an unfortunately catchy phrase from my childhood that refuses to retire from my jargon. I do apologize.

    • Taylor Edwards

      Hey Lacey, how about YOU stop whining about something you have the choice not to read? Seem like that would be the grown up response since apparently you’ve got it all figured out.

      This piece spoke to exactly where I am. My mom, who earns 7 figures, runs her own business, and is the most together lady I know, once told me that she still feels confused, childish, and scared sometimes. She said that even at 51, with an amazing marriage and social life, she sometimes still feels like a girl trying to figure everything out. And it has nothing to do with career or family; I think it’s just a part of human nature that we can be happy where we are, yet always in tension between our now and future selves. At least that’s how I feel.

      Maybe we don’t need a song; this article did the trick for me.

      • http://twitter.com/kat_george Kat George

        I want to hold you in a really non-creepy (OK, OK, it’s a bit creepy) sort of way.

    • cg

      Song: 28 by Lorene Scafaria.

    • https://twitter.com/LizA_from_LA Liz

      Thank you for this.

    • http://www.misszoo.com Miss Zoo

      This is lovely. FRIGGIN LOVELY. See that, Amy? 23-year-olds use that word, too. And I wish Lacey would stop whining about all the apparent whining that goes on on this blog.

    • Melissa S.

      LOVE THIS!!!!! Thank you for posting – I can totally 100% relate!

    • Danielle

      Word.

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