Thought Catalog

10 Simple Ways To Get Laid

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If you’ve been following Josh Gondelman’s amazing tips to avoid getting laid, chances are you’re as sexless as Varys the eunuch. Which is pretty sexless. But all is not lost, o chaste ones! I am here to undo the doing of Sir Gondelman, with some anti-avoiding getting sexed tips or 10 simple ways to get laid.

1. Be female.

I’m not saying that guys can’t get laid, just that it’s much easier for women, probably on account of the boobs and the lovely soft skin and such.

2. Be yourself and you can be anything.

OK I stole that one from Katy Perry, but only because it’s true. People can smell fakery like bad B.O., and no one wants to sleep with someone that stinks. Be yourself and not only will someone sleep with you, it will probably be someone that likes you and that you like in return, on account of all the truth and honesty and shared interests and ideas and fairies and glitter and puppies and salt & vinegar chips and Die Hard (that last part was me being myself. Put your hand up if you’re hot for me).

3. Don’t be a total dick.

No. 2 doesn’t count if you’re a total dick. If you’re a dick, DO NOT be yourself (that applies to your everyday life as much as it does to getting laid). People only want to sleep with dicks in a literal sense; being one figuratively will most certainly not get you laid.

4. Spend lots of money.

As much as people like to be “independent” and “self-sufficient,” there’s nothing romantic about splitting a bill on the first date. If you asked someone out, pay. Take them somewhere fancy and you increase what they owe you from head-job to sex. Just kidding, they don’t owe you jack, but if rap music is anything to go by, rollin’ in the Benjamins is a goddamn aphrodisiac.

5. Be good looking.

I live in the belief that no one is ugly, but I also acknowledge that some are more blessed with natural aesthetic than others. If you are one of these then GOOD FOR YOU! YOU’RE GOING TO GET LAID!

6. At the very least, smell good.

If you don’t look like a Disney Prince or Beyonce, it’s OK (you’re still beautiful), make sure you’re extra clean. See above: “no one wants to sleep with someone that stinks.”

7. Be chill.

DO NOT rock out with your cock out. DO NOT grind, on anything, ever. DO NOT be desperate. Basically, you want to strike a delicate balance between seeming like you’re not interested in sex while exuding a general air of “but would definitely be open to it.”

8. Flattery will get you everywhere.

Tell the person you want to sleep with all the good things about themselves, but don’t be a creep. Non-creepy flattery: “You have beautiful hair.” Creepy flattery: “I can smell your genitals from here and boy, do I like it!”

9. Pick your battles.

That surly model in the corner not talking to anyone except their model friends, who keeps sneaking back and forth from the bathroom like there’s a million puppies in there that you’re allowed to play with, who’s wearing the latest season this and that while sipping on a cocktail that cost more than what you earn an hour; yeah, that is not going to sleep with you. Seek approachability, friendliness, fun-havers and those of humble cuteness (in a Zooey Deschanel or Mark Ruffalo kind of way), and you’re instantly 200% more likely to get laid.

10. Ask nicely.

Sometimes, honesty is the best policy when it comes to fitting your genitals together with someone else’s. When you’re having a great time with someone and there’s a “vibe,” oftentimes both parties will wuss out and end up in bed alone dissecting the entire evening and wondering what went wrong (while probably also masturbating, maybe crying). It’s like when you were in school and your teacher would say, “If you have a question, chances are someone else in the class has the same one, so ask it.” If you want to bone someone, chances are they want to bone you too. Man up, take one of the team, and invite someone home tonight! TC Mark

image – Shutterstock

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    • Michaelwg

      #1: *puts hand up*
      #3: incorrect.

    • http://mangopeels.wordpress.com quantumtheory

      primarily, you have to show you are socially aware…
      and i totally agree with point #1
      if you are a girl, you can always get sex….just put some make up, sexy clothes, and hit the night club. Guys will go gaga. :P

    • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/07/10-simple-ways-to-get-laid-2/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

      […] Thought Catalog » Love & Sex Add a comment If you’ve been following Josh Gondelman’s amazing tips to avoid getting laid, chances are you’re as sexless as Varys the eunuch. Which is pretty sexless. But all is not lost, o chaste ones! I am here to undo the doing of Sir Gondelman, with some anti-avoiding getting sexed tips or 10 simple ways to get laid. […]

    • YOLOMA

      #2 but be the side of yourself that doesn’t give a fuck
      #3 but be a little bit of a dick, perhaps just the left testie

    • http://twitter.com/ev_reiko Evie Reiko (@ev_reiko)

      is head-job a new term that combines giving head and blow job?

    • gpretty

      Hahaha “when it comes to fitting your genitals together with someone else’s”!!! That wordage for some reason completely turned me off…but that was fucking hilarious

    • Asdf

      11. Visit a red light district.

    • http://letterstoluthien.wordpress.com BerenEstel

      There is more to life than sex, people. Way to fuel the stereotype about our age group being nothing but hormone-crazed tweens.

    • Suz

      Being a dick works great for those who are exempt from #1 as long as they fit under #5.

    • http://twitter.com/__ruhl ruhl (@__ruhl)

      “i can smell ur genitals from here, and boy, do i like it. ” holy shit

    • Lady

      With number 8, I picture “You have beautiful hair” being said by a poindexter from a 90’s sitcom, said in a monotone nasal voice while he puffs on his inhaler. I picture “I can smell your genitals from here, and boy, do I like it!” being said by…well, honestly, Hugh Laurie as Dr. House. Which means I’d be sleeping with the genital sniffer.

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