How You Know You’re About To Have Terrible Sex

Based loosely on completely heteronormative interactions and experiences with male penises.

He says, “I’m a real man, and I can do stuff.”

When that douchebag artist guy on Girls told Marnie he could, “do stuff,” or whatever he said, my vagina sort of shriveled into my body and died for a bit. In my experience, when a guy tells you about his awesome sex skills it’s largely misdirection — he’s distracting you from the bad sex you’re about to have by telling you it’s going to be good. I guess he figures that if he talks confident you’ll just sort of be lying underneath him like, “This is sh-t… But wait, he said it was good so… like… maybe there’s something wrong with me?” Generally I find such “trash talk” to have the exact opposite effect. When expectations are raised so high, it’s much, much easier to be disappointed.

He says, “I’m going to make you cum.”

To me this means, “You will not come. Nor will you enjoy what is about to happen in any way, shape or form. This will actually be one of the worst sexual experiences of your life. I won’t be long though, promise.”

He does rhythmic dry humping.

As soon as a dude turns on The XX and starts dry humping you to the beat of “Crystalized” I suggest you put your top back on and demand he call you a car, even if it is 4 a.m. and you’re really horny. No good can come of this situation.

He has catholic guilt.

Unless you want to lie under a guy that pumps you awkwardly seven times before rolling off and declaring he feels “dirty,” I suggest you steer clear of Uber Catholic boiz 4eva. Although, as a side note to all Uber Catholics reading this (do you lot even read Thought Catalog? Pretty weird if you do because we’re all like, feminist and gay huggers and sluts and vegans and stuff), I am open to being proven wrong.

He’s drunk, but like, really f-cking drunk.

Have you ever been with a guy who was so drunk he passed out during foreplay, with his fingers still inside you? The most unsexy thing on earth is pulling out an alcoholic’s fingers from your vagina like they’re a tampon. And I’m pretty sure no one wants to think of their lover’s fingers as tampons. If you ever end up with this guy, don’t wake him up for sex — that’s the bedroom equivalent of rinse and repeat. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – Noah Kalina

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