Things I Wish Were Not OK But Are Definitely OK

Chewing with your mouth open.

I don’t understand why this is OK? It’s disgusting and makes you look like a filthy pig with no manners. Also, I don’t care to see your masticated tuna sushi when I’m sitting across from you on the subway, it literally makes me want to scratch out my eyes and ear drums so I can’t see or hear your offensive behavior. Yeah, I really hate it when people chew with their mouths open. Like, really.

Chewing gum.

NOT OK. Mostly for the same reasons as above, but moreover, people who chew food politely often chew gum like a grazing cow. Gum brings out an ugly, horrendous side of humanity. I immediately assume anyone chewing gum is a pimp or a drug dealer, or some kind of other abomination on society that should not be allowed to move freely in public spaces. And don’t even get me started on accidentally touching someone else’s old gum under a table or chair. STICKING YOUR CHEWED GUM UNDERNEATH A TABLE/ CHAIR/ BAR/ ANYTHING IS A HATE CRIME.

Walking through a door and stopping immediately on the other side.

This seems to happen overwhelmingly at Whole Foods, resulting in a bottleneck situation where human bodies are rear-ending each other in a wholly non-sexy way. This is not OK. Perhaps instead of stopping immediately after walking through a door, essentially blocking the doorway for everyone behind you, you should use your eyes to identify a more sensible place to stop, and use your feet to get you there. If you don’t, I should have the right to punch you as hard as I like in the back of the head to teach you a f-cking lesson, moron.

Taking the elevator to the first floor.

If you are somehow physically impaired, old, transporting something huge or with child, you can catch the elevator wherever you damn please. If you are able-bodied and unencumbered, you have absolutely no right to take the elevator to the first floor. It’s selfish and rude (especially in old buildings where the lifts are slow to begin with), and besides, taking the stairs is good for you.

Cat calling.

For some reason, it is entirely OK for a strange man I don’t know to approach me in the street and tell me he’d like to violently stick his hard cock in my anus. If I turned around and say, spat on him or stabbed his eye out with a fork, this would not be OK. Moreover, if I tried to press charges, I have the stinking suspicion that without a physical assault my complaint wouldn’t be taken entirely seriously. And yet the same man gets caught taking a piss in a public place and he’s a sexual offender in the eyes of the law. ARE FERAL LANEWAYS AND BRICK WALLS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WOMEN? TC mark

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  • http://baileypowell.com/ B

    This was so dope. I agree 100% and am prepared to start punching all kinds of offenders in the back of the head.

  • btst

    taking the elevator to go DOWN 1 floor, or 2, or 3, I don’t care… My roomate looks at me all funny when I head to the stairs when we’re getting out of our 3rd floor flat, and I’m like seriously ??

  • Gmo Saza

    What’s a feral laneway?

    • Katgeorge

      A laneway that can be described as feral.

      • Gmo Saza

        I thought so,  I thought so.

  • Anonymous

    I’d rather someone be chewing gum than have to be subjected to their stinking breath.

  • Anonymous

    As much as I would like to  I don’t punch people in the back of the head, but I definitely give them a stern “keep moving”.

  • NOT OK.

    I loved this! i really hate all of these things :P and i love that you called elevators “lifts” at some point :)

    • Katgeorge

      Dang! That’s a totally Aussie/UK thing to do right?

      • Heyoh

        hahah yes this is great! also, another aussie/uk thing: having the 1st floor not be the ground floor (your 1st floor is what americans would call the 2nd floor)

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VYDVROKY4PUBOKUHB3QF42FH2Y Paul S

    I don’t do any of these things. What’s my prize?

    • Katgeorge

      I won’t punch you in the back of the head?

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VYDVROKY4PUBOKUHB3QF42FH2Y Paul S

         Well that’s unfortunate because being physically assaulted by a woman kinda turns me on…

  • PREACH

    OMG THE ELEVATOR THING. FOR . THE. EFFIN . WIN. seriously… my number one pet peeve.

    • Theqmovement

      Some people have to take the elevator, in our building every 5 floors are locked and exit only. 

    • Onetime

      I work in a massive office building in Manhattan.  All the stairs are fire exit only. I work on the second floor. I an’t tell you how many dirty looks I get from people on the upper floors who don’t realize it’s not possible for us lower floor workers to take the stairs. Every morning it’s a lesson in humility.  Believe me, if I could, I would. One floor is so f-ing embarrassing.

    • hey now

      just saying, a lot of people have disabilities/injuries that make it a lot harder for them to use stairs that some random judgmental stranger on an elevator isn’t able to see.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    Punching you in the back of the head since 2012.

  • Brandon h

    I fail to see the problem with chewing gum. 

    I actually don’t do any of these, but to have such an intense problem with them seems neurotic. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Caroline-Driver/1584568305 Caroline Driver

      When you work as a cleaner in a school, you can build up a pretty intense hatred of chewing gum stuck under chairs, tables, on carpets, on banisters, (slide YOUR  hand over a glob of goo that’s been in someone’s gob) , walls etc. Personally I think it should be banned and a fineable offence, but as a cleaner I have no say

  • -w-

    This sounds like the people on tumblr who pretend they have Asperger’s. 

  • alice

    #3 – yes! Especially enjoyed “use your eyes to identify a more sensible place to stop, and use your
    feet to get you there. If you don’t, I should have the right to punch
    you as hard as I like in the back of the head to teach you a f-cking
    lesson, moron”.

    hahahaha… but actually.

  • Joebedford30

    #6: Making petty criticisms of things that I DON’T LIKE, boo hoo.

  • LazyReader

    The Cat Calling. UGGGGGGGGGH!  Spring is here and so is the cat calling. Like guys have it all bottled up all winter and suddenly  develop Sexual Assault Tourettes at the first sign of a bare forearm!
    As a member of a Jury of Your Peers Kat, I would hand you the fork to stab his eye with. Or does that make me an accessory? 

    • Rin

      There’s a place on this earth where men cat call seasonally?! Never would have noticed.

  • A-W

    Yo gums the oldest candy in the world, give a lil respect.

  • pnut

    oh you should add people who don’t walk away immediately at the end of an escalator. 

  • Anonymous

    As a seemingly able-bodied 21-year old, my elevator rides for only several floors definitely causes some derisive looks. I actually have a degenerative knee condition in both knees (similar to arthritis), but I will honestly sometimes take the stairs despite the pain just so people don’t judge me.

    Other times, though, I just put my “deal with it” face on and step right in.

    • Anonymous

      Same here – I look fine, but I have RA.  Fuck all the elevator judgment. 

  • Jessica

    “This seems to happen overwhelmingly at Whole Foods, resulting in a bottleneck situation where human bodies are rear-ending each other in a wholly non-sexy way.” i hope this pun was intentional

  • Michaelwg

     “it is entirely OK for a strange man I don’t know to approach me in the street and tell me he’d like to violently stick his hard cock in my anus”
    OMG you women, you want romance, you don’t want romance, make up your minds!

    • Marsy

      wow. that’s actually.. not funny at all.

      • Michaelwg

        But it…wasn’t a joke…

      • Chelsea Fagan

        silly marsy.

      • Susan

        You left out the part where she said “for some reason,” meaning she is surprised that people consider cat calling okay. So, the point is, (because you are too much of an idiot to realize this) it is NOT OK to cat call. 

  • L.

    One time, I pooped myself at a family reunion and the mental anguish was enough to send me to therapy for two years.

  • joe

    Gonna guess you mean first floor as in ground floor to first floor, the australian way, as opposed to first floor to second floor, the north american way?

    • frog

      actually… most countries in europe (and many around the world) have the “australian” elevator system of ground floor to first floor as opposed to the “north american” way.

  • http://www.facebook.com/discobiscuits93 Kayla Ann Stockman

    Chewing with your mouth open has never been okay. What universe do you live in where this is okay?

  • Waicool

    pretty cool Kat

  • best guest

    None of these things are okay. Do people you know think they’re okay? Because the people I know don’t think they’re okay. 

  • anonymous

    I’ll take the goddamn elevator to the first floor if I want, because the stairs in my government owned Project building literally contains several puddles of piss and the occasional piles of shit.

    But agreed on the cat calls.

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