Eating A Stranger’s Leftovers
So you’re sitting at a restaurant and the people at the next table finish their meals and leave, except that they haven’t finished at all and there’s still half a bowl of warm fries on the table or some chips and guac. I want to eat that. Why can’t I eat that? It’s been paid for, and it’s good food that’s just going to get thrown in the trash, right?
People say things like “Oh, what about the germs?” And I say “What effing germs?” It’s not like someone whipped out their herpes infected nut sack and rubbed it all over their meal, is it? Because that would definitely not be OK. And I’d put good money on the fact that you hold onto the poles on the subway, which is scientifically and unequivocally the most filthy thing you can do. Also consider that you probably routinely put your tongue into the mouths of people you barely know. Ergo, eating a stranger’s leftovers should be OK.
Telling Someone You Like That You Like Them
It’s generally not OK to tell someone you have a crush on that you have a crush on them. This is called “coming on too strong,” because you should “play hard to get.” I think that’s stupid. The only reason telling someone you like them would be “coming on too strong” is if you wrote it in a letter using your own blood as ink and included a lock of hair for safe keeping and then broke into their house and watched them while they slept (I’ve never done that).
As for game playing, well the only reason you’re doing that is because the person you like doesn’t like you back, and you’re trying to trick them into eventually liking you, which is subterfuge and wrong (p.s. you’re not James Bond and your dumb games are like, so transparent). On that note, I declare this day International Tell A Babe You’re Crushing On Them Day, because if we all just do it then it will be OK!
Not Showering For A Day. Or Two.
If you don’t smell bad and don’t look visibly dirty then you shouldn’t have to shower. Fact.
Actually Genuinely Liking Crazy Town’s “Butterfly” In A Completely Non-Ironic Way
I mean, we all know all the words right? And if you’re one of those people who pretends NOT to know all the words when “Butterfly” comes on at karaoke, congratulations, you’re officially more of an asshole than all the people screaming “Come-come my lady” into their microphones.
Here’s the thing: “Butterfly” is not a good song. It’s definitely going to make you look cooler if you act like you hate it; we all like to pretend we’re only singing it ironically, but at the same time we’re casting furtive glances around the room, hoping someone will open that can of worms and say that they actually love it. So let me be the first to say that I do. I love “Butterfly.” Without a hint of irony, I just f-cking love it. And I so wish that was OK, and didn’t change your opinion of me.
Eating McDonalds As A Proper Meal Simply Because You Enjoy The Taste
I’m sick of pretending I don’t really like McDonalds and I only eat it because I’m drunk or hung over or at the airport or all three. I EFFING LOVE MCDONALDS AND WHY ISN’T THAT OK?
Pooping Loudly In Public Toilets
There was a time when I’d fill the bowl with toilet paper before doing a poop in a public toilet, to stop the plopping sound. Obviously I don’t do that any more because I don’t care, but whenever I do a loud shit in a public toilet I always get horrified stares from women waiting their turn when I finally emerge.
Darling, poop stinks. There’s no way around that. Whether you can hear me doing it or not is irrelevant — you’re going to get a massive whiff either way. Pooping is as natural as breathing, and as such, doing it loudly in public should be OK.