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The Do’s And Don’ts Of Drinking “Ballerina Tea”

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This is the time of year where people start talking about their “Summer Body,” and it’s a concept that I buy into in much the same way I always really crave KFC after I see an advertisement on television. Ergo, my desire to be thin and/ or eat KFC is based solely on how stupidly impressionable I am. The thing is though, eating KFC is way easier than this whole “Summer Body” shtick, and while I enjoy imagining myself looking svelte and lithe in a bikini, I’m generally pretty lazy.

I believe everything tastes as good, if not better, than skinny feels; even a tuna sandwich that’s fallen open faced on the sidewalk on Broadway in Soho at lunchtime (I ate it). I want a champagne body on a beer diet. Enter Ballerina Tea.

I feel like I need to preface this by saying I’m not encouraging the use of laxatives to lose weight, nor am I encouraging the loss of weight generally. To be honest, I don’t really care so much about weight, except that sometimes I do. I eat healthily about 60% of the time, and do half-assed exercise three times a week, but every now and then girlie chit-chat convinces me I need to cheat to get ahead, and by ‘ahead’ I mean ‘skinny’ (two things that are not necessarily synonymous in sane circles).

If you haven’t heard of Ballerina Tea, then you’re probably a lot smarter than me, or at least hang out with much smarter people than I do. Ballerina Tea is the name of the product — it’s not just a generalizing, mildly (incredibly) offensive ode to the ballerina. Ballerina Tea is some kind of natural laxative or mild poison, I’m not entirely sure (except that I am sure, and it’s definitely a mild poison) that makes you poop like nobody’s business.

Basically, a couple of hours after drinking Ballerina Tea, you’ll experience some intense stomach cramps, upon which moment you’ll feel something like a stampede starting deep in your ass and bolting for the opening. You’ll then proceed to rush to the toilet like it’s the last bastion of humanity on earth in the midst of apocalypse, and poop out absolutely everything inside you. And I mean everything.

It’s a blood bath, but instead of blood there’s crap — a massacre of crap, if you will — so here are some important dos and don’ts to take into consideration if you decide to take the Ballerina Tea path (of no return).

DON’T have ballerina tea when you’re wearing a tampon. Unless you’ve mastered the art of only clenching and relaxing one downstairs hole at a time (which I believe is akin to making your eyeballs look in different directions, i.e. impossible), you are going to poop the tampon out of your vagina and that’s a really weird feeling you don’t want to experience, take it from me.

DO relish in the feeling of emptiness you have after you’ve pooped out everything you’ve ever eaten.

DON’T drink Ballerina Tea 24 hours before you’re planning on getting laid. I don’t think I even need to explain this one. Unless, of course, you know, you’re into… stuff…

DO use Ballerina Tea when you’ve been constipated for a few days.

DON’T use Ballerina Tea regularly.

DO eat awesome things like beetroot and blue food dye and the kind of edible glitter you get on cupcakes before you drink Ballerina Tea. Your poop will be all the more fancy for it.

DON’T eat curry, eggs or beans. You’re already facing poop-mageddon, don’t make it any worse than it already is.

DO text all your girlfriends who also drink Ballerina Tea from the toilet when you’re having explosive diarrhea.

DON’T drink Ballerina Tea if you’re afraid to poop in public.

DO be prepared to poop anywhere. TC mark

image – Shutterstock

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    • ANG

      Aaaaaaaand Kat George is back. #pooptalk

    • RAH!

      KG BACK IN ACTIONYES!

    • Anonymous

      That sounds…awful. I’d rather carry around my extra poundage and lose it the hard way than willingly have a poopocalypse. Also, sadness has just set in again about national state of body image and acceptance. Oy.

      • Jenny

        i have never heard the term “poopocalypse” and i totally endorse it.

    • Smnytx

      Funny misplaced modifier made it sound like you have friends who drink ballerina tea out of a toilet (third sentence from the end).

      • http://www.facebook.com/devenaowen Veeners Owen-Lorton

        thats what I thought too, funny sh**, pun intended!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1552230509 Blake Austin

      Every time I read a Kat George article I learn so much about what it’s like to have a vagina. Thanks, Kat! 

    • Anonymous

      How weird is it that girls think it’s sexier to be covered in shit than to have a roll of fat here and there? Seriously. Wtf?

    • http://twitter.com/ktgl Katie Gregory

      i thought i was going to literally die one night because of this tea. what a treat.

    • Anonymous

      Wow, another article shamelessly stolen from Italian Vogue.

      You won’t keep getting away with this, Kat.

      • Kat-george

        Franca Sozzani has a county on my head.

        • Katgeorge

          I meant bounty. Can’t type, have hayfever.

    • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

      YOU’RE BACK!!!

    • rose georgia

      the part about pooing out your tampon made me laugh out loud for a minute or two. i am a bit drunk though.

    • Sara

      hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…AWESOME.

    • HAAAA

      I just laughed so hard I pooped

    • Vianna Paige

      hahah, welcome bak kat

    • holla

      KAT IS BACK YAYAYAYAY, also it’s going into winter here in the southern hemisphere – need more layers for warmth!

    • asdf

      #bulimia

      • http://twitter.com/Kristen_Love Kristen James

        truth. 

    • Jill

      Yayyyy Kat is back!  Clearly we’ve missed you.

      I’ve had the pleasure of shooting a tampon out of my vajayjay before.  Fun times.

    • http://www.facebook.com/summer.gillen Summer Gillen

      I am dead

    • ugh

      Dude, I love you. And yes, I have taken this before a double shift at work. I’ll leave it to you to imagine how it turned out. 

    • Michaelwg

      Every time a woman uses the word poop I scream “that’s not something a 1950’s housewife would say!”
      Seriously though, are you as delightful as I imagine you to be?

    • Twinkletoes

      I’m a ballerina and I love “Ballerina Tea”, or “Smooth Moves”. I also love not eating much in general, so I literally am pooping out a weeks worth of food because I never poop because I don’t eat enough to poop regularly. I don’t even need to wear tampons because I lost my period! 

      • Concerned

        that’s not, uh, that’s not good.

        unless you’re, like, menopausal, you should be having your period

        you should see your gynecologist/ physician

        • BECOOL

          Nah , it’s cool.  Stop parenting. 

    • Waicool

      classy

      • Anonymous

        You bet yourself, and if I sense any bit of sarcasm there I’m well prepared to open a can of classy whoop ass in your metaphorical direction.

        By the way, Kat, we’ve missed you. And this piece was hilariously fantastic. 

    • beatrice

      Okay so once I saw “Kat George” below the title, I literally screamed. YOU’RE BACK KAT!!!!

    • Futuremd

      Hate to be a buzz kill to all the guys/gals that want to try this ‘diet’ but I would strongly recommend against it. I think the author did a good job with the warnings, but really, if you want to become dependent on a laxative to be able to shit, go ahead and start drinking this tea regularly. #senna

    • uhhmmmm yeah

      i found this article kind of disturbing. although it’s prefaced with you laying out the fact that no, you don’t suffer from disordered eating, there are actual people who do, and who do things like take laxatives on a regular basis. sorry to be a killjoy, i just don’t think it’s cool to normalize this kind of thing.

    • http://twitter.com/Kristen_Love Kristen James

      hilarious. on point. sad. encouraging.  love it

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