Why I Think Online Dating Is Stupid

Online dating is dumb. I’ve never been on a date with someone I met exclusively online. I have spent some time perusing online dating sites, and once, I set up a mock profile. I was completely put off by the whole experience to the point that I can barely fathom why any sociable 20-something who isn’t completely deranged would bother with the farce that is online dating. Here’s why I think online dating is the most moronic thing on the internet. (Rebecca Black is even less moronic than online dating.)

You’re not a leper

Unless you are. Are you a leper? Are you mobile? Do you own clothes? Do you have enough money to buy a beer? (I’m guessing yes, seeing as you have enough money for both a computer and an internet connection.) If you’re not a leper and answered yes to all of the above, get off your computer seat and go to a bar if you want to meet someone. YOU NEED VITAMIN D, ALCOHOL, AND HUMAN INTERACTION TO SURVIVE.

When I think of online dating, I think of divorcees and fat people

There’s nothing wrong with being divorced or fat, and I’m not suggesting there is. In fact, being divorced or fat are both excellent life choices, and kudos to you if you’re both. The thing is, I simply associate online dating with people who have fewer options for dating. For instance, the single mother of three who doesn’t have the time or energy to go out and meet men. Or the obese elderly man who still lives at home with his mother and for whatever reason finds it difficult to go out and meet the ladies. PLEASE DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND ME: I’m not saying I don’t think the divorced, parents, elderly or obese should not go out to meet people, nor am I suggesting that they can’t meet people by going out. I’m just saying that I think of online dating as recourse for those who might, for whatever reason, be inconvenienced, intimidated or disenfranchised from more traditional modes of meeting lovers.

Bars exist

So go to one. I know too many young, vibrant, intelligent 20-somethings who online date. It’s ludicrous, especially in New York. There are a million bars open every night with a million different people in them. The day 26-year-old me can’t walk into a bar and meet a man isn’t the day I start online dating, it’s the day I stop living.

Do you really want to tell your grandkids you met their nan/ pop online?

Grandkid: C’mon nan/ pop, tell us how you met! Was it sooooooo romantic in the olden days before we just apparated everywhere and pre-crime actually became a real thing?

You: Well actually, I picked your nan/ pop out of hundreds of online profiles that I sat alone in my room reading on my own. Sort of like how people chose you for a job!

Grandkid: Oh…

And this is the reason why people lie about meeting their partner online. It’s really, really embarrassing and not romantic or interesting at all.

There’s no mystery

And there’s no risk either! You know whether or not someone wants to get married and how many kids they want right off the cuff! It’s amazing, you can’t go wrong! Really? Then what is there to talk about? Isn’t the most wonderful part about falling in love the discovery? Whether it’s discovering that person isn’t right for you, or what their favorite ice cream flavor is, the slow burn breeds intimacy and excitement in the early stages of a relationship. Why be so impatient? Stupid “now” generation. When you go into your first date with an extensive dossier of someone’s interests, then you’re just fast forwarding through the most fun part. And don’t even try to tell me mistakes aren’t fun, too.

On the flip side, maybe there’s too much mystery

Who’s to say the person advertising themselves via the dating website is who they say they are? The mildest form is they’re not as hot/ not as interesting as they appear online, but the scariest scenario would be turning up do a date with a total stranger who is some sort of psychotic-rapist-serial-killer-murderer person. Because violent crime is like, hella romantic.

I would never date a guy who was into online dating

Even if I was into online dating (and when I have perused dating sites) my train of thought would be something like, “Oh he’s cute. So why is he doing online dating? What’s wrong with him? Why can’t he get a real date? Weirdo.” TC mark

image – Don Hankins

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