Thought Catalog

How To Destroy Something Beautiful

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First, you will meet someone amazing — probably better than amazing. This person will fulfill and exceed all your expectations. Whatever it is you’ve been looking for all this time, this person will exemplify that, and you’ll begin falling for them in every conceivable way.

At the start you’ll be happy. You’ll want to scream about it and wear a t-shirt that says “I’m with awesome” that has an arrow pointing to them so everyone will know that you’re one of the lucky ones. You’ll laugh together and hold hands and it will be like your very own personal romantic comedy.

Then something will click inside your brain. You’ll start worrying all the time. You’ll worry that you’re not good enough for your new relationship. You’ll worry you’ll be dropped in exchange for someone better. You’ll worry your heart is about to be broken. You’ll worry it’s all a big fat joke designed to rain even more crap on you, because really, you’ve never been lucky in love. You’ll worry about all manner of inanities and not one of them will come close to making even a tiny bit of sense. But you’ll worry regardless.

So you start acting on your irrational worries. You start putting yourself down. You feel sub-par, like you don’t deserve this wonderful person being wonderful to you all the time. You regress. You become your most vile, juvenile, selfish image. You push and you prod and spout immaturities in a desperate bid to push the other person away. One day, you’ll push so hard you’ll succeed.

You’ll cry because you didn’t want to ruin everything, not really. You don’t know why you acted the way you did, not when everything was so perfect. You wanted it to work out — it was going to be a fairytale. You’ll hate yourself and your childish ways. Maybe you’ve never behaved this way before; maybe you have, but not since you were fifteen.

You’re scared, that’s why you’re being a moron, but it’s not an excuse — just an explanation, and not a particularly good one either. You replay all the crappy things you said and did. The whole thing is an out of body experience — you scream at yourself to stop being an asshole. What you really want is a time machine, so you can erase all your manic behavior and start from the beginning, throwing your arms around the one you’ll someday love with confidence and abandon. TC mark

image – the_tahoe_guy
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Love a soft person. The ones who are positive, even in the worst of circumstances. Someone whose strength is not in bravado, but in their quiet. Someone who is strong for others because that is what is needed in that moment. Someone who is the moon that soothes instead of the sun that burns. Someone who sees the very best in people even when you think they aren’t worth it. The kind of person who always wants to do the best for those they love.

“I bought this on a whim to read as I was resting for the night, and I do not regret it one bit! Everything about the poetry in this book is amazing, heart breaking, and soul searching. It will lift your spirits on your darkest days. I want to thank the author so much for writing this, as it’s something I will be rereading a lot! Always remember, everything about you is important. You matter.” —McKayla

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More From Thought Catalog

  • girl

    CUTS LIKE A FUCKING KNIFE

  • Anonymous

    And Kat did it again.

  • http://twitter.com/AlkalineSuicide Alkaline Suicide

    Yupp this is pretty damn dead on. You know everything, Kat,

  • http://www.facebook.com/james.f.inman James Inman

    Yep. This. Well said.

  • EAZ

    When I tell you you’re beautiful, I mean it.  Truly. 

  • Yup

    Sooooooo true!!!! Funny cause it’s true!

  • Gurushakti

    Alternative Title – “This is what Neurotic looks like”

  • http://twitter.com/TomOokami TMSVCCH

    Yes, you’re definitely inside my head or following me around without me noticing….

    It dazzles me how many people (guy or girl) experiences the same feelings of “not being good enough” for someone that is clearly showing that they’re having a good time. I guess we should stop living in “what may happen” and start living in “what’s happening”

    • guest

      if only it were that easy

      • http://twitter.com/TomOokami TMSVCCH

         well…”easier said than done” they say :P

  • http://www.facebook.com/jakim Julie Ae Kim

    why is this my sad sad life… =(

  • pepper

    kat is awesome. i think she lives in my head sometimes. 

  • Sapphoozmak

    It’s amazing how you can read everyone’s mind. Are you Professor X?

    • Katgeorge

      Nah but I am Wolverine. Slash, howl, slash, slash, heal.

      • Sapphoozmak

        Good. Keep ’em coming. I’m a willing victim. :)
        ps. You’re pinching my heart’s skin, always giving me a reality check. This is a probable cause of my three-year single-hood. And to think that I am a hot girl and always surrounded by hot (albeit with the propensity for “douchebaggery”) guys. #storyofmylife

  • CIM

    This makes me a little frightened to fall in love again.

  • Sophia

    I am absolutely terrified of this.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VYDVROKY4PUBOKUHB3QF42FH2Y Paul S

    I was on the receiving end of this, but since I loved her back as much as she loved me (and I understood her insecurities), I stuck it out, but still calling her out on her bullshit, and we came out the other side all the stronger.  It’s only love when it’s mutual.

  • lealea

    I feel like this is how my bf acts sometimes… not me.  Interesting to feel like the other person in this scenario. 

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    You’re really good at making me depressed without anything even having happened, Kat. Unsure of how to proceed.

  • Yaya

    Do exactly the opposite of what Kat is saying we will do. Maybe she’s actually a nice person and her intentions are to steer you in the opposite direction.   From reading her other shit, I highly doubt that.  

    Peace

  • Steph

    Perfect timing. Thanks for writing my life out once again.

  • GUEST

    I actually could have written this. JUST happened to me. I disagree with the guy who said if the other person loves you that stuff won’t matter… that only works wayyy down the line.. NOT in the beginning of a relationship when you are both excited and into it but one of you is terrified and acts on the fears.

  • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

    So what’s the cure?

    • Autumn

      Healthy self-esteem…

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brennan-Scotland/9407869 Brennan Scotland

        thank you for pointing out (what should be) the obvious.

      • Autumn

        You’re welcome. It’s really too bad that I belong to such an inferior species. I probably could have been really great.

  • BVD

    I just went through this, and was the one who royally ruined things. Luckily after some breathing space, he came back. Despite the utter fucking pain & turmoil I caused us, it was the best test of love.

  • Anonymous

    Disappointing, not because it wasn’t brilliant but because though it ended, it wasn’t finished

  • Guest

    this hurt my heart

  • Brennangh

    ‘Then something will click inside your brain. You’ll start worrying all the time. You’ll worry that you’re not good enough for your new relationship. You’ll worry you’ll be dropped in exchange for someone better. You’ll worry your heart is about to be broken. You’ll worry it’s all a big fat joke designed to rain even more crap on you, because really, you’ve never been lucky in love.’

    Because girls are an inferior species and fucking pathetic.  Insecurities are disgusting, and it’s your fault if you feel the need to voice them, constantly.  Grow the fuck up.

    • Sophia

      “an inferior species.”

      …lol good luck reproducing without us

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brennan-Scotland/9407869 Brennan Scotland

        the shared ability to reproduce between the two genders somehow negates the fact that one could be inferior?  You’re only proving my case, further.  Perhaps, though, you’d like to compare the standardized aptitude testing results between men and women over the past handful of decades?  Let’s see how that works out for you …

      • Sophia

        Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a feminist out to act like the genders are equal. I’m pretty much the last person I could ever imagine being a feminist. I just found your use of the word “species” amusing (and wrong.)

      • Robin

        Sexes, not genders (look it up, boy).

      • Sunset

        You, sir, are an asshole.

      • Guest

        I’m guessing either, A) you are single because girls hear you speak or see what you’ve written and are immediately turned off; B) you’re gay because, clearly, you cannot associate yourself with a species so inferior since clearly you are the superior sex and, therefore, in your mind, the only sex that counts; or C) you’re in a relationship with an idiot girl that matches your definition of what you think a woman is and will ever amount to be.  I’m not feminist, really.  I’m just superbly annoyed by ridiculous, misogynistic douchebags who write better (while being extremely pretentious and consequently off-putting) than they will ever probably act.   Sweet hoodie, btw.

      • Anonymous

        you are a fool if you feel IQ tests are the way to prove whom is more significant or useful in the world. you would not exist unless a woman let you live in her stomach for 9 months without paying rent. standardized aptitude tests don’t mean shit in the real world … sorry to bust your euro-centric concept of knowledge. men and women are just different. why does one  sex have to be “better” than the other? they are just different, if you were smart you would have figured out by now. but unfortunately common sense is not as common as it should be

    • Katie

      You clearly have some very deep insecurities and anger of your own, dear internet flamer.

      Insecurities are not disgusting; they are natural, and we all have them. They become harmful when they interfere with your relationships. Some people are just better at managing insecurities than others.

      Thanks for writing this, Kat.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brennan-Scotland/9407869 Brennan Scotland

        “You clearly have some very deep insecurities and anger of your own, dear internet flamer. ”

        Right.  Because, of course, if someone mocks the sacrosanct (look it up, girl) issue of insecurities than they clearly have many deeply-repressed insecurities of their own.  Sound logic.  You don’t sound like a predictable, banal chick at all.

    • Autumn

      The fact that the writer is a woman is beside the point. Men with low self-esteem can also become self-destructive when they encounter what could potentially be a healthy relationship. 

      To say you wouldn’t want to date someone who is excessively insecure is understandable. People should need to believe they are worthy of a good relationship if they ever expect to maintain one. But I respect that Kat isn’t blaming the guy she is dating, or men in general, for her lack of success in relationships. She owns the fact that her insecurities are what are at the root of the problem. No one is forcing you to date insecure people, but give them a break. Insecurities can run deep, and its really fucking hard work to identify them and overcome them. Telling people how pathetic they are isn’t going to help.Also, the fact that you are making blanket statements about how inferior and pathetic girls are is a pretty clear indicator that you’ve got some issues of your own to work on.

    • Anonymous

      0/10, I cannot take your attempt seriously.

  • Lindseycm

    what happened to you Kat?  no more TC?  you haven’t posted in over 2 wks….

    • Anonymous

      :[[

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