The scene opens to a black screen. A car motor can be heard running. A road appears, as seen at ground level. It is winter in the countryside and everything is covered in snow. A car speeds past and a cigarette is flicked out the window, landing in the center of the frame. Cut to inside the car and John McClane is covered in blood and bruises. He takes a swig straight out of a whiskey bottle.
John McClane: You’re a fool John. You’re getting too f–king old for this John.
He drinks again before slamming on the breaks. He curses, stopped by an unseen obstacle. Fade out to a city as words appear at the bottom of the screen: 3 days ago.
The drama unfolds quickly. John is in his messy bachelor pad fighting with his teenage son (ironically played by Ashton Kutcher), John McClane Jr., and his estranged wife threatening him via telephone. He sighs, curses, rubs his temples and smokes a lot. He maintains a stoic expression that is a mix between a suspicious pout and incredulity the whole time. Finally, his son storms out and John hits the booze.
Moments later, John’s bachelor pad explodes. Luckily, John survives but is sort of dirty and sexily covered in blood. He is wearing a wife beater. Disoriented by the shock, everything becomes blurred and he passes out.
He wakes up in the hospital and the Feds are waiting with him. His old boss explains that John’s son has been kidnapped and probably taken to Russia. John swears and tries to light a cigarette. The Feds tell him he can’t smoke in hospitals because it’s not the ’80s anymore, and not to get involved with the Russia thing because he’s a loose cannon and tax payer dollars wont clean up his mess a fifth time.
The Feds leave and John springs into action. He sneaks out of the hospital in his gown and with his drip still attached. Back at his exploded apartment he changes back into a wife beater and has a cigarette and some whiskey. He discovers a clue but can’t decipher it. A look crosses his face — he’s had an idea.
A door opens and there stands Justin Long being awakard. John explains the situation and tells Justin Long he needs his help to decipher the clue because the clue has something to do with computers. In the background, John’s daughter appears saying something sexy to Justin Long because they’ve been dating since Die Hard 4. It’s really awkward when she notices John standing there and John looks like he’s going to kill Justin Long. Justin Long offers to help.
The three of them stand around a computer screen like none you’ve ever seen before except in movies. Justin Long says lots of complicated stuff while John smokes and looks incredulous some more. They realize they have to go to Russia. John tells his daughter to stay but she stows away and follows them on account of her McClane obstinacy.
John finds the place where his son is being held. There is lots of fighting and he murders many henchmen. Justin Long is awkward and does some more computer stuff. John’s daughter tries to be a hero but gets herself kidnapped too. Now it is revealed that the kidnapper is actually Hans Gruber’s teenage son out for revenge. He also has a machine that will accelerate global warming and essentially cause the whole world to implode within hours.
The movie returns to the point at which it began. The unseen obstacle comes into plain sight. It is Wolverine, standing in the middle of the icy road. John McClane gets out of the car and battles Wolverine. While smoking a cigarette and eating a taco. He is not wearing shoes. John gets the crap beaten out of him, and both his arms are broken. A monkey keeps jumping on his face and at one point he falls into a glacial river, but he still wins. Meanwhile, a Beyonce song is playing and Aziz Anzari makes a cameo.
John finally finds his way to face off against Hans Gruber Jnr. There is a long, bloody brawl and it seems that Hans Gruber Jr. is going to win because he has a giant mechanical hand that steals John’s energy every time he swings a punch. But then, just when it seems all is lost and Hans Gruber Jr. has John in an epic head lock, John says the magic words.
John: Yippe kiyiyay motherf–ker.
John, dropping to his knees, uses the super machine hand as leverage to break his own arms further. Bones protrude from the skin of his forearms and he stabs them through Hans Gruber Jr’s guts. Blood spews everywhere and they are both screaming. Then John throws Hans Gruber Jr. off a building, and sends the global warming machine tumbling after him.
John: “Like father like son”
John collapses and his children and Justin Long run up to him and embrace him. He starts laughing. Justin Long puts a cigarette in John’s mouth and lights it. John continues laughing and smoking as the Feds begin to arrive and he is lifted into the back of an ambulance.