Thought Catalog

Thoughts On True Blood Season 4 And Requests For Season 5

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I was ready to hate Season 4 until the whole thing managed to turn around in the last 5 minutes of the final episode. An epic end to a “meh” season, the finale managed to almost completely erase all my feelings of “I’m not coming back for Season 5.” Now I’m all like “EFF YEAH SEASON 5. BRING IT, BEE-ATCH!”

Too much…

…Sookie & Eric.

Eric: “Ooooo Sookie, I love you sooooo much!”

Sookie: “Ooooo Eric, look at this bed in the middle of the woods and it’s snowing all over us!”

Eric: “Yeah Sookie, let’s make lurrrrve in the snowwwww! I’m such a good vampire guy now!”

Sookie: “Snowinnnnnngggggg! I love you Eric now that you’re just a good vampire guy and no longer interesting or badass at all. Did I mention the snow? It’s totally snowing!”

You get the picture.

…evil baby. Arlene’s evil baby was the laziest True Blood storyline ever. It was like True Blood had no idea what to do with all the peripheral characters who weren’t involved in the central action. I know! Let’s make it look like Arlene’s baby is totally evil which is sort of interesting, but let’s give it a sappy, weak explanation with some sprit lady that has nothing to do with anything and no one actually cares about. Next time please, please, when a character is boring, just cut them for a few episodes and fill in their scenes with shots of Alcide naked.

…witches. I don’t know what was worse, Marni’s overacting, the back story of Antiona Garbonzolalafufuface-McGee or Lafayette’s new powers as a medium.

…Andy Bellefleur. I’d probably vote to kill Andy off if he didn’t bang that fairy at the eleventh hour. Methinks an interesting story might evolve from that random romp, as weird as it was.

Not enough…

…laughs. Remember when True Blood used to be dry and witty? I used to laugh out loud regularly, but this season I can count three occasions on which I giggled—and all of them were thanks to Pam.

…Pam. MORE PAM. Pam is the second best character after Alicde, and the best character if you don’t include “Kat wants to see them naked” as a factor for judging “best.” In the small moments she was awarded for Season Four, Pam didn’t fail to disappoint, with lines like, “Are you telling me you’d endager our whole species for a gash in a sundress?” and “I am so over Sookie and her precious fairy vagina and her unbelievably stupid name.”

…sex. There were all of five odd sex scenes in Season Four and they were all lame. The only sex scene that got close to fulfilling the True Blood raunch factor was in the final episode that had Jessica clad in kinky lingerie and a Little Red Riding Hood cape banging Jason in also sorts of sexy naked glory. What ever happened to Vampire Bill’s bloody romps? Or Tara’s lesbian lover? True Blood used to be the best way for guys to essentially watch porn without their girlfriends getting pissed off, and Season Four was a massive letdown.

…“Sookeh.” It’s my favorite thing to love to hate when Vampire Bill says “Sookeh,” sort of like when Marissa would say “Ry-yan.”

…vampire rights. Miss you Nan from when your story line was the most solid in the series. The vampire rights movement was what gave True Blood its backbone, and one of the few issues that made the show somewhat intellectually stimulating. There wasn’t enough in Season Four, and I’m guessing there won’t be any picketing for rights in the future following Nan’s untimely True Death.

…Alcide naked. DICKS OUT FOR THE GIRLS!

…Lafayette sassiness. Lafayette was a total pussy in Season Four. Bring back the sassy bitch from bygone seasons.

Just enough…

…Sam Merlotte. Solid story line with just the right amount of sex, intrigue and violence. Standing ovation for Sam this season.

…murder. I was starting to think Season Four was a bit of a letdown on the ratio of murder to not murder until the last three episodes. As Ja Rule would say, I think the reign is calling murder.

…love triangles. Although I think they could have done more with the incest story—let’s hope Miss Bellefleur reappears pregnant with a deformed, cross-species, bastard baby.

The best bits included…

…Alcide naked. Werd.

…Alcide sexily doing things. This includes but is not limited to: sexily carrying wounded people, sexily coming to Sookie’s aid, sexily being suspicious of Eric, sexily killing Marcus, sexily getting naked.

…Terry Bellefleur. The man you want to marry—I have a secret hard on for Terry. Good to know that next season holds some intrigue for the resident good guy.

And the worst bits were…

…Eric being lame. Nothing was lamer this season than Eric Northman being lame. Even when Marni’s spell was broken and he was no longer lame, he still continued to be pretty lame. Sure he ripped that guy’s still beating heart out of his chest with his hand and sucked on its artery like a straw, but then straight after he went all “Blah, Sookie, hold me” lame again. LAME.

…Jason’s rape. The rape of a virile young man is an interesting subplot but True Blood did not deal with the issue well at all. In fact, it was completely dropped from dialogue a mere two episodes later, almost as though it never even occurred.

…werepanthers. An unfortunately bad hangover from Season Three. Also dealt with poorly post Jason’s escape. Where did they go? Is Crystal pregnant? Are they all pregnant? Hello Ghost Daddy, is that you?

Please, for Season 5…

…just make Alcide naked all the time.

…let Tara stay down. Seriously. DO NOT LET HER LIVE. I’m pretty sure I saw half her brain splatter against the wall so it’s pretty damn unrealistic to let her live anyway.

…get the ghost of Debbie to inhabit Lafayette and murder Sookie.

…turn Pam renegade and have her team up with Debbie’s ghost to go after Sookie.

…show us Jessica’s boobs at least once an episode.

…have Hoyt turn evil and start crushing skulls and eating skin, like when Willow went manic in Buffy.

… revisit the Sookie/ Eric/ Bill threesome scenario and make it really, really filthy. TC mark

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Poetry that will change you

This is for the women who are first to get naked, howl at the moon and jump into the sea. This is for the women who seek relentless joy; the ones who know how to laugh with their whole souls. The women who speak to strangers because they have no fear in their hearts. This is for the women who drink coffee at midnight and wine in the morning, and dare you to question it. This is for the women who throw down what they love, and don’t waste time following society’s pressures to exist behind a white picket fence. The women who create wildly, unbalanced, ferociously and in a blur at times. This — is for you.

“When Janne has a new poem written, I shut my life down to do nothing but read it, and then when I turn my life back on, everything is better.” — James Altucher

You’ve never read poetry like this before

More From Thought Catalog

  • Amber

    Why does everyone hate Tara so much? Poor girl has been through Hell and a half. 

    Also yes, MORE PAM PLEASE. There can never be enough Pam.

    • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

      Then let her die, she’s been through enough right? 

      • Amber

        :(

    • guest

      I really like Tara, but they don’t do her character justice, and they’re probably not going to, so, yeah, just let her die.

  • Miss Me

    My favorite line: DON’T LET HER LIVE!

    When Tara was shot, I shouted “FINALLY”. Thought I alone in my lack of love for Tara (with plenty o’ love to spare for Alcide).

    • Miss Me

      *thought I WAS alone*

  • Frs

    i love tara and will be livid if she is completely cut out next season…one of the few badass females in this show

  • Gen

    How many times did you spell Alcide wrong? :P 

  • Adam C

    I’m loving all of this, though I think “Alcide” and “Alice” got mixed up a few times. Also poor Tara hasn’t had a character since season 1 practically, and now she’s all dead. Sad sad sad.

    • Anonymous

      Unless Eric and/or Bill comes running in and makes her a vampire…don’t be surprised.

      • ashes

        DUDE YES. Tare needs to be a vampire! She would stop being victimized all the damn time and get her sassiness back! And Sookie wouldn’t lose her sister! *crosses fingers*

    • Guest

      Vampires will show up and give her their blood and she’ll heal. obviously.

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    I agree with absolutely everything in this.  Seriously what is going on with the weirdos from Hotshot? How do you just abandon an entire plot line, while still carrying on the weird one with the creepy baby? WTF? It would have been a shit season had the finale not kicked major ass. 

    • Anonymous

      I think they abandoned all of the Hotshot nonsense because literally everyone hated the plot line. They set up the whole thing, but dropped it because it was so boring and stupid!

      At least, that’s my hopeful explanation. The real answer could be that the writers just forgot about it. Hopefully, we never see them again.

      • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

        Yea I agree, all the side stories were shit

  • Anonymous

    Completely agree with Jess’s tits.  Both times I thought “Why are you hiding them? You’re DOING IT RIGHT.”   There should be somewhere in a contract that if you are a regular bombshell on trueblood and you have to do a sex scene, by golly you better be up to showing us your goods lady.   

    • Guest

      yeah, jessica and tara never show their tits.  and yet we see sookie naked all the time!  that’s just not fair to the guys.  sookie is a 5 at best . . . 

  • kaitlyn

    sookie and her fairy vagina, best line HANDS DOWN. MORE PAM!!!! I wanna know more about the Bellefleur secret.. what does Bill & Granny Bellfleur know about that the rest of the town doesn’t? 
    Whatever happened to the werepanthers? That annoyed me. 

    but really, more Alcide. and more vampire rights. 

    RIP Nan Flannagan!!

  • Dani Myname

    what about the Reverend coming back as a vamp??? that’s interesting.

    agree with about 85% of what was said. the whole lame Eric thing pissed me off. he’s SO much sexier when he’s a bad ass.  

  • guest

    “YOU CAN’T TRADE MAGIC LIKE POKEMON CARDS.”

    My hat’s off to the writers for this season…

  • Vicky Shazam

    i love you. i agree with a lot of this. not all of it, but a lot.

  • Anonymous
  • Anonymous
  • Alejandro

    OMG you got a problem with TARA?! Oh, hell no… leave the bitch alone will ya? And just like Lafayette and Eric: let her sassy bitchiness come back.

  • Sam

    Am I the only guy who watches this show?

  • Natashachowdory

    AGREE!! lol with all of it. It’s like they new it was a ‘filler season’ ans suddenly all of these things happened in the space of 10 minutes. Season 5 is clearly going to be epic – Steve Newlin, Russell Edgington…all we need is for Godric to reappear vs. the fairies, and whatever Andy’s crazy army friend has up his sleeve…

    Alcide, just oozes sexiness. Although you have to wonder about what freakish chemical imbalance Sookie has to make all these guys find her attractive….

    Also…Pam is my favourtie, the fairy vagina comment may have redeemed the entire season as well as Jesus and Tara dying. Tara annoys. One person cannot be THAT angry ALL the time, Its bloody exhausting…

    Therefore Season 5 = EPIC. And then there’ll be Mad men as well, so next summer’s TV will be better than this year’s!! 

  • Brandi208

    “…Alcide sexily doing things. This includes but is not limited to: sexily carrying wounded people, sexily coming to Sookie’s aid, sexily being suspicious of Eric, sexily killing Marcus, sexily getting naked” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Pam killed it, her character is awesome, that fairy vagina line was the best of the season.I cant wait to see what a badass she’ll be next season.I died a little inside during that snowing/fucking scene with sook-eh and eric, bcz i realised at that moment that no matter how bad ass he became after the spell was broken he’d always be a lame p*ssy to me,sigh. And I have concluded Sookie is jus horny,wtf?! her life revolves arnd dick! well while she’s at it she better jump on the fine specimen that is Alcide!!! if she dont, i will!!!
    Tara should stay dead, she does nothing for the series except complain.i loved her crazy mama tho.

  • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

    My sister and I just say “SOOKEH” at random because we think it’s funny.

  • Anonymous

     http://www.lovetoshopping.org

  • padface

    But Tara has so much potential :( Quite sad over Jesus too, I likes me some latino deliciousness.

    But oh my lord FUCK YEAH ALCIDE SEXILY DOING THINGS TO ME NAKED.

  • Rejacob311

    i was hoping they would go back in time and said the baby that was murdered was jessica’s grandparent since the doll was apparently a family heirloom. maybe it was and they just weren’t blunt about it. would get to know bill back in the day some more. love the historical scenes. whether eric, bill or another vampire. when gran and all the spirits appeared i thought maybe bill’s wife would have been in the cemetery and have gone over and said what’s up. 

    tara’s brains going all over the place reminded me of when she bashed in franklin’s head and it regenerated. they just drank her blood so they will feel her right?

    eric and bill in matching robes was hilarious and while i like that they are getting along, eric is loosing his bad ass-ness. miss lafayette/tara dynamic. jesus was pretty badass too. but too many side plots going on. the beauty of the first seasons were that all the characters were interacting. need to get more into the werewolf story, since technically if alcide defeated a pack leader, he becomes the pack leader. 

    this season was too mushy gushy lovey dovey crap. I want action  AND MORE PAM!  

    • Rejacob311

      sorry about the grammatical errors. 

  • Guest

    ERIC IS FUCKING SEXY AND NOT LAME

  • Guest

    1. Please let the infatuation between Jessica and Jason end. I can’t think of a more lame-brained character to have matched up with the infernal hotness of Jessica. How many ways can you say “mismatch”?

    2. We definitely need more Pam. I liked her before S4. I *LOVE* her now! Every male character needs to get off Sookie’s panty strings. I agree with Pam’s assertions about her wholeheartedly. The writers did her character some serious justice. *Way to go!*

    ** I think they let Marnie off too easy after all she did… For one of the few times in my life, I wanted to see the underdog get ripped to shreds. Disappointing. How Jesus’ demon didn’t rip her insides out is beyond me.

    3. Kill Tara! Period! I can’t say any more about the annoyance factor (if not hatred) of that character than has already been said.

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